Why, Britney. Why?

We all saw the clips over the weekend. Britney is bald. At first glanceI thought... well, I'm not sure what I thought. It was such a shocking visage that a flurry of possible causes swirled through my confused head:

- Federline's remaining crotch goblins spread to her head, forcing a flame-thrower delousing.
- She started smoking her hair in rehab, and found the long, straight ones took longer to cash than the short and curlys.
- Her passing-out episodes became so frequent that waking up with gum matted in her hair finally ruined her glossy locks.
- Her passing-out episodes became so frequent that waking up with male DNA in her hair ruined her glossy locks.
- Timberlake told her he was more likely to date Telly Savalas than get involved with her again.
- Desperate for a hit, she has begun masterminding the Right Said Fred reunion tour.
- It's not easy jumping genres from Crossroads to American History X Part 2, but it will do wonders for her street cred.

Miss Spears is definitely having an identity crisis. Or experiencing severe regret at having reproduced with a talentless wannabe. Or perhaps remorse at flushing away the most lucrative pop career and massive cross-popularity in human history. Or maybe... Jesus - it's a wonder she didn't start drinking and get her head shaved months ago. Anna Nicole, save her a seat.