Wednesday Weigh-In #7: Ride The Snake

"The reason I love the sea I cannot explain -- it's physical. When you dive you begin to feel like an angel. It's a liberation of your weight." - Jacques-Yves Cousteau

I think we'd all like to liberate ourselves from a little more weight than we managed to this week. Not a banner 7 days for the pork ass challenge. Indy was as kind to DVS as Newport was to me, but our lapses were relatively small, and we still have 4 weeks to go. Whether our strategy is going to be focused weight training and cardio, the index finger or a Jimmy Tango-esque meth binge, one thing is for sure - it's crunch time, folks.



- Monster >> Current: 268 / Last Week - 265 / Target 255 / Gained 3
- Smash >> Current: 137 / Last Week - 138 / Target 129 / Lost 1
- Pyeman >> Current: 226 / Last Week - 224 / Target 215 / Gained 2
- DVS >> Current 248 / Last Week - 246 / Target 210 / Gained 2
- Aubz >> Current: 132 / Last Week - 132 /Target 125 / Lost 0
- BDoyle >> Current: 184 - / Last Week - 188 / Target 175 / Lost 3
- Sly >> Current: 211 - / Last Week - 213 / Target 175 / Lost 2
- Piglet >>> Current: 146 / Last Week - 147 / Target 135 / Lost 1
- Not Lance >>> Current: 166 / Last Week - 168 / Target 161 / Lost 2
- Greg >> Current: 179 / Last Week - 183/ Target 170 / Lost 4
- Venditti >> Current: 229 / Last Week - 230 / Target 219 / Lost 1
- Ka-Rista >> Current: 158 / Last Week - 158 / Target 140 / Lost 0

Smash lost a pound, but that may have just been blood - take care of that hand! Exerting himself while moving house has been kind to Doyle. Greg continues to bust ass at the new restaurant so I assume his impressive progress has continued. Venditti's wonderful Welland wedding is fast approaching, and I'm curious to see if he'll be taking in his tux. Check back throughout the day to see the new tale of the tape. We're almost in the home stretch, and this sort of dedication is not easy. Don't give up, and remember your porky support group is right here.

Why Do My Hands Smell Like Patchouli? Why Do Anybody's?

Sorry to spring that on you. I suppose it's as good a subject of discussion as anything else I've ever written about on here. I am currently trying to proofread a press release about window blinds, so obviously my mind is bound to wander. I don't remember high-fiving any hippies during my walk to work, and I definitely didn't wear this dress shirt to Amherst recently, so why do my hands reek of patchouli? This isn't a rhetorical question, people. You may explicate.

The only people I shook hands with today were the plumbers who came to replace a zone valve in my building. I think it goes without saying - patchouli is to plumbers what an under-counter carbon filter is to Chris Barron. So the mystery continues. Stay tuned for the weigh-in tomorrow. It's not going to be pretty.

Sailing Lacrosse The Waves.

We're sitting in Newport, after an afternoon on the boat, watching the amazing lacrosse game between UMASS and UVA on TV - The Cinderella story surrounding UMASS's appearance in the D1 finals has been the talk of the house all weekend. What a great way to spend Memorial Day, although I'd be shaking the hand of a veteran if I had one handy. Anyway, since I found a laptop sitting in the kitchen, I figured I'd send the team some happy thoughts for the second half.

Home now... The lengths to which I devastated my diet is eclipsed only by my sunburn. The gallery is your typical fare - boat, beer, dogs, kids and Kingman. But for the first time in ages I added captions to most of the photos. Just like the old days. Now, get some aloe vera on yourselves and get to bed.

An Apology To The North End.

I made a very bad joke on the blog earlier this week, where I ignorantly referred to one of the sacred relics from the summer Saint's Feasts as "creepy". I spent about as much time thinking about the comment as I did typing it, and have found out today that I offended many of my neighbors as a result. My remorse stems from a true admiration of this neighborhood, rather than any stab at self-serving diplomacy. I have lived here seven years for a reason.

I hope that my continued charitable activities in the North End, and my many positive remarks on the site about the neighborhood and the people within it over the years, will attest to where my heart truly stands in regards to it. I also maintain a separate website devoted to the area, which is a labor of love. I have actively worked to maintain good relationships with my neighbors over the years, and frequently go out of my way to meet as many new residents as possible. That is what makes this incident all the more unfortunate and unacceptable.

I do not pretend or assume to be a true North Ender, and for that reason I can never fully understand how my remarks effected those that are. I would like to ask that you excuse me, and have agreed to redesign the NEMPAC website as a gesture of apology and pennance. I had already been asked to help migrate it to a new webserver, but I know for a fact the organization wants to pay to have it re-vamped, and I am offering to do this myself now for the first time - because I truly feel awful and have to try and make things right.

I was raised a Catholic, have many Italian cousins and I am absolutely mortified that I have been responsible for generating so much offense. My Grandmother would surely slap me if she were still with us. It was a terrible comment, and I will regret making it for a very long time. My deepest apologies to you all.

Very sincerely,

- Dave

Friday's Quizzlet: Curfew! Bless You.

Appetizer: How old were you when you got your first credit card?
I was 27, unemployed and fairly desperate. I have been paying off the debt I incurred that year ever since. I will be fully out of the red in about 3 months, and I can't wait. All the money I currently put towards said debt, that I'm not used to having and have learned to live without, will be invested. That's why I've been making such a push lately to learn more about personal finance. I have a call with my advisor today at 4pm. Evil incarnate is Discover Card sending me, unsolicited, a checkbook tied to the CC account. Talk about a recipie for trouble. I paid my rent with it several times back in those days - I don't harp on about corporate conspiracy theories much, but these filthy buggers need to be stopped.

Soup: When was the last time you felt out of place?
It doesn't happen often. A Bell Biv Devoe concert in 1988? Not really.

Salad: Did you have a curfew when you were a teenager?
I can't really remember. 11:30 seems to ring a bell for some reason, but that was really only freshman year at Lorne Park. My folks were pretty lax on the whole curfew thing, as I didn't have female genitalia.

Main Course: Name a person from history with whom you have something in common.
The way today is going so far? How does Richard Nixon sound?

Dessert: When you read a newspaper, which section do you go for first?
I don't read papers anymore. It's all about the RSS, baby. But if I did, I'd just read it in order. No big whoop. I'm not a paper section skipper. You can all relax.

Who Wants A GoonBlog T-Shirt?

I love the new GB logo, and I have someone ready to make these shirts at a really low price - but I'm in marketing and I know better than to assume anything. Have a read about our forthcoming and exciting limited edition hockey t-shirts, and leave a comment on GB if you'd be interested in buying one for the low-low price of only $10. There's next to no profit margin after shipping, and I just want to get a first run funded and off the presses. Is there a market? Is there a demand? Let us know.

Pretending To Be Pixies

Ryan sent me this. It's so entertaining. If you're a Pixies fan, you absolutely have to click through and check it out. Some guy named Matthew - with a love of the band that makes Mark David Chapman nervous - and coupled with an intimate knowledge of Pro Tools, has re-recorded a long list of Pixies songs in the guise of alternate famous bands/singers. And I can't even pick a favorite, they're all so eerily accurate. Prince, Jimi Hendrix, BeeGees, Sinatra, Brian Wilson... Here is the pentultimate list on another site, as Matthew's MySpace page doesn't have a complete list or downloadable versions.

Re-reading that paragrah, it's really quite exceptionally confusing. Just trust me and check it out. And how a grown man can make himself sound so much like Tina Turner while singing my favorite Pixies song is enough to make me shudder/masturbate.

I'll come clean - my favorite is Elvis doing #13 Baby.

Wednesday Weigh-In #6: Hoggin' It Halfway.

The pork is flying fast and furious this week, as... maybe fast is a bad word. It's 8pm and I haven't posted today's results yet. Rest assured, things are so ridiculous at work I'm considering becoming a shepherd, so don't take it personally, you fat frigs - technically it's still Wednesday. And as much as I'd love this site to degenerate into a series of infrequent posts about how I rarely have time to blog - because that would surely be spellbinding - we must press on, piggies.



- Monster >> Current: 268 / Last Week - 265 / Target 255 / Gained 3
- Smash >> Current: 138 / Last Week - 138 / Target 129 / Lost 0
- Pyeman >> Current: 224 / Last Week - 224 / Target 215 / Lost 0
- DVS >> Current 244 / Last Week - 246 / Target 210 / Lost 2
- Aubz >> Current: 132 / Last Week - 133 /Target 125 / Lost 1
- BDoyle >> Current: 187 - / Last Week - 188 / Target 175 / Lost 1
- Sly >> Current: 211 - / Last Week - 213 / Target 175 / Lost 2
- Piglet >>> Current: 147 / Last Week - 145 / Target 135 / Gained 2
- Not Lance >>> Current: 166 / Last Week - 168 / Target 161 / Lost 2
- Greg >> Current: 183 / Last Week - 187 / Target 170 / Lost 4
- Venditti >> Current: 230 / Last Week - 232 / Target 219 / Lost 2
- Ka-Rista >> Current: 158 / Last Week - 158 / Target 140 / Lost 0

So we're at the halfway point. I've plateaued again, despite some pretty agressive and unhealthy tactics. I think that's the problem, as we've established frequent smaller meals jack up the metabolism and avoid loss lulls. There is no way I will ever lost 14 pounds in the next 5 weeks, short of bird flu, so I have changed my target weight to 215. I haven't weighed 215 since I got back from England in 1998, so that's pretty acceptable come to think of it. I'm 6"4, afterall.

As it's the halfway point, I think a graph or some other sort of visual representation is in order - so get your results in tonight and over Thursday and I'll whip something together. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm fucking starving.

A Long Way From Sunnyvale.

Has anyone else noticed that the evil girl (Ellen Page) in the new movie Hard Candy is Treena Lahey from Trailer Park Boys? Remember in Seasons one and two Mr. Lahey had a daughter living with him who wasn't allowed to hang out with Ricky? Just me? OK. Well regardless, that's her. I liked this movie a lot better when it was called Poison Ivy/The Crush but good for Ellen! She's also in X3. Another Canuck on the foreward invasion force.

Careening Off The Bleeding Edge.

Do y'all get curious on those rare occasions where I talk about or let you in for a glimpse of what I do for a living? It's rare, and for good reason - I have other blogs where I talk about SEO, and far too few hours in the day to prattle on about it incessantly. This is where I come to make the hooker jokes. Anyhew, in the next few days you'll see me linking out to lots of strange things, and I just want you to know there's a method to the madness.

More and more of my friends and neighbors are taking their businesses online, or going to work for companies with significant web presences. I'm going to save everyone a lot of money - because nobody wants to pay for this shit anyway. Here's how you improve your Google rankings: Get sites to link to yours using your target market's top search keywords. If I hypothetically had a client who sold Red Sox Tickets, for example - I would want to facilitate as many links as I could to their site which also read Red Sox Tickets. Your ultimate success depends on your budget (people won't link to you for free, and reciprocal links cancel eachother out since the last big algorithm update) your patience and the competition. It's bleeding edge stuff. Guerilla marketing. And surprisingly, not all that fun in the long run. You have little control over the results ultimately, and we all know how clients like those pesky "results".

So forgive me over the next week or so if I drift into conversations about office coffee. Look the other way if I begin sweating whilst extrapolating about precision gauges or Amnisure. I'm not pregnant or studying to be an airplane mechanic. I'm just working here.

Monday's Quotelet: What's That Shit Called Again?

The bird flu task force on the lookout for bird flu in Bucharest were startled when an APB came through for a "crazy guy with bird flu". It was quickly determined to be a false alarm, as the dispatcher had apparently fallen victim to bird flu.

Brunelli's Standup Video.

Mark's brother Dave videotaped the show I wrote about Thursday night, and they've posted it on YouTube. Just press play!

Friday's Quizzlet: The Itsy Bitsy Quizzy.

Shh, quizzlet. Daddy's busy.

Appetizer: What is the last thing you had to have repaired?
I had the band repaired on an old Roots watch about 15 minutes ago. I found it while cleaning my room this week and dropped it off today while having lunch at the Sidebar. I found some of the damndest other things, too - photos I'd forgotten about, my dayplanner from University, home movies,  etc.

Soup: If someone gave you $2,000 with the stipulation that you had to spend half of it on yourself and give the rest to charity, where would you spend the $1,000 and which charity would receive your remaining $1,000?
I'd invest the first thousand in a mutual fund, and give the other thousand to the Animal Rescue League of Boston.

Salad: What is one of your favorite songs from the 1980s?
I've already beaten this one to death, Falco.

Main Course: You enter a pet store. Which section do you go to first?
Kitties and puppies. Alternately, if it were a shit pet store that only sells fish and crickets, crickets.

Dessert: On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how athletic are you?
I'm a solid 7. I walk about 25 miles a week, and go to the gym in my office building, too.

Please, Brunelli - Don't Hurt 'Em!

If I had the nads to take a stab at stand-up myself, I certainly wouldn't want to do it in a packed house of hilljacks in Haverhill my first time out of the gate. I saw more victims of the S & L crisis last night than you'd probably find at a demolition derby. In spite of the pressure, the hostility and the overabundance of men who resembled the 50-year-old cousins of Dalton, I am beyond happy to report that Brunelli fucking KILLED.



When we got to Garibaldi's - a musty-smelling, long and narrow social club with one ill-equipped bartender, the place was empty and I could tell Mark was just as nervous as all hell. About 5 of us had packed into V's car and made the hour-long trek after work, so we quickly ponied up to the bar for some relaxers. As we chatted amongst ourselves, Mark helped set up the stage with the rest of his classmates and the place slowly started to fill up with more extras from Roadhouse. And I mean fill the frig up. By the time the first comedian hit the stage, it was standing room only. I even think I briefly saw Jeff Healey carrying Bud Lite up from the basement - although he started loading the bottles into the back of an amplifier.

Mark was the second student, and fourth comedian to go on. Throughout the first three acts, even the professionals, the crowd in the back by the bar would not shut up, and it was hard to hear anything. After Brukkake got up and told a couple of jokes - the place fell silent, and with the exception of a couple bits - including the poop joke I think we all tried to persuede him to drop - he had the ratty clientele of the Double Deuce in the palm of his hand. The most popular bit - I am paraphrasing:

"My girlfriend is great, and as relationships are all about compromise I try to make it a two-way street whenever I can. So when she told me recently she wished we could be more open to experiencing other cultures, I immediately drove to Chinatown and picked up two Brazilian whooores for us to have a gangbang with (many laughs). Then, she said she'd always wanted to go to Mexico. So again, I compromised, and took her to Lawrence."

Frankly, I couldn't believe it. Brunelli might have a future at this sort of thing. You can't learn charisma or stage presence - you have it or you don't. He gots it.

Humor In Haverhill. No, Really.

Brukkake, after recently taking a short course on the artform, has his stand up comedy debut tonight at a club in Haverill. As Mark and I have had many stand-up adventures together - The last episode taping of Tough Crowd, Mr. Show at the Orpheum, Brian Regan and Colin Quinn shows at the Comedy Connection - I'm going to be there in full support. I only wish I had the balls to do it myself!

I'll be bringing my camera and taking some photos so those of you who know him can have a look at this milestone/trainwreck for yourselves. My ride awaits - I really must put some pants on and get up to Hanover Street to his girlfriend's, although that's usually what I do right before I leave there. YOWSERS - feel free to use that one tonight, buddy. Break a fucking leg!

Newport Timeshare Is On My Side. Yes It Is.

A recipie for trouble if I've ever heard one: Tiernan's now has a lightning-fast, free wireless connection. My apartment was party-central for some reason Monday night, with both my roomates independantly entertaining for a combined atmosphere that resembled the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse that time it was invaded by monkeys. Needless to say, even locked away in my room like a sober veal - I got very little done. I had a deadline yesterday, and I needed a quiet place to work after-hours and so I decided to see if I really could get shit done at my favorite pub - because I was never able to when I tried at the Hind's Head upon the procurement of my very first laptop in 1998.

Some boneless Buffalo wings and a couple Diet Cokes later, I was well on my way to getting my work finished. By midnight I was all done and having a Smithwick's with the North End restaurant crew that goes there every night. So, all in all, a nice little productive evening. I think Tiernan's may become a library of sorts for me. Especially during the week when it's quiet. Anyway, the real point here is that I got an important phone call while I was sitting there, typing away.

It was Jim on the line, and he sorta sheepishly asked me if I'd be interested in getting a timeshare in Newport this summer. Perhaps he was under the impression that I enjoyed sweating profusely in dense urban settings and didn't want to impose. Normally when we all go down there, we're treated like royalty at Heather and Chris' awesome house. But they have a little sailor on the way, and things done changed this year. I didn't even think about my answer. I'm in, and I'll be spending as little time in Boston as possible over the next 4 months. Perhaps that will cure my geographic antsiness for awhile. But definitely not the aggressive alcohol dependency.

Wednesday Weigh-In #5: Porking Along Nicely.

We've been at this for awhile now, eh? Get your updated weights in pronto, porkies. When your name is bolded, you're officially corpulent and current. The sun is out in Boston today, and the beach is beginning to beckon. So stay on target and don't lose the porky plot here, people.



- Monster >> Current: 268 / Last Week - 265 / Target 255 / Gained 3
- Smash >> Current: 138 / Last Week - 138 / Target 129 / Lost 0
- Pyeman >> Current: 224 / Last Week - 226 / Target 210 / Lost 2
- DVS >> Current 246 / Last Week - 246 / Target 210 / Lost 0
- Aubz >> Current: 133 / Last Week - 134 /Target 125 / Lost 1
- BDoyle >> Current: 188 - / Last Week - 188 / Target 175 / Lost 0
- Piglet >>> Current: 145 / Last Week - 145 / Target 135 / Lost 0
- Not Lance >>> Current: 168 / Last Week - 171 / Target 161 / Lost 3
- Greg >> Current: 183 / Last Week - 187 / Target 170 / Lost 4
- Venditti >> Current: 230 / Last Week - 232 / Target 219 / Lost 2
- Ka-Rista >> Current: 158 / Last Week - 158 / Target 140 / Lost 0

Greg is doing really well, as Ray Borque is working him to death. Doyle has hit an impasse, and Monster may be a lost cause. Stay tuned throughout the day as more results seep in like Crisco in the sun. Yes, it's officially closing in on Summer when I see the Lemonade Lady for the first time. She's like Puxatawney Phil, only with a bucket of lukewarm Crystal Light.

A Ray Of Light.

And what to my wondrous eyes just appeared? But a beam of sunshine through my office window, dear. If I had my camera here, I'd snap it for you - as it's quite glorious. The first sun Boston has had in 8 days. I can't remember a rainy stretch like this, and I'm glad to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm not actually a schizophrenic whaler from Blackpool.

The sun has a downside, however, and that is that our beloved homeless population will be back out in full force come dryness. But I have procured a new anti-homeless device I'd like to readily endorse and encourage you all to use to your benefit in this beleagured city. It doesn't actually harm them, and it's great for the bleeding hearts because afterwards you'd even be able to release them back into the wild if they weren't there already.

It's called an iPod, and it's effectiveness is staggering. Whenever a 'lost soul' lurches into my path and demands money, I simply point innocently at my headphones and say - "Sorry Sir, but I'm listening to Strangeways Here We Come at this point in time and can't really engage you at the moment. Did you want to discuss French drama? Perhaps invite me to a spring fête? You know, you look like a bit of a trainspotter. It's a real tragedy I'll never know the reason for your advance because I simply can't hear you at this juncture."

Oh, and tazer guns are really good too.

Monday's Quotelet: Peeping Tom And Jerry.

Once the industrious Mr. Whiskers found another way into Mommy and Daddy's room on Saturday nights - what he saw would scar him for his remaining 8 lives.

Birfdays Was The Worst Days.

I've finally managed to convince my sister to upload the whack of photos she's collected from Beatrice's, Damaris' and her very own birthday parties. They're your standard fare, however those of us currently involved in the pork ass challenge look stunning, the ass flash on the stairs is a very nice touch, and it's worth the price of admission just to see the many ways in which my father managed to make people feel uncomfortable. Comments are welcome, but simply looking away is definitely encouraged.

Here's a question for you all - consider it a survey. It serves 2 purposes: 1.) to help get a site I am involved with indexed properly by search engines for a very competitive term. 2.) I am genuinely curious as I have many friends coming to town this summer. So, what is the best way for a fairweather, peripheral fan to procure Red Sox tickets in Boston? Short of whooooring?

I Still Have A Pony Barrel's Worth Of Faith In Broken Lizard.

Super Troopers is a masterpiece. If you refute this fact, you probably also think SlapShot is slightly less funny than the trailer for Meatballs 3. So despite Puddle Cruiser and Club Dread, which are collectively about as humorous as a slap in your grandmother's wrinkly mouth, I am excited and most optimistic about Broken Lizard's upcoming Beerfest.



Some photos were released onto the internet today, and it would appear we're looking at some sort of a Strange Brew/Dodgeball hybrid. The official description from IMDB: Two brothers travel to Germany for Oktoberfest, only to stumble upon secret, centuries-old competition described as a "Fight Club" with beer games. In addition to Will Forte, who you can see in the above photo, the Lizards star alongside Cloris Leachman and Jürgen Prochnow in the movie. The Frat Pack's recent and glorious ressurection of the R-Rated comedy has paved the way for a silly flick like this, pornstar hollywood legitimacy, Home Depot jokes and I'll be there with at least a half pint.

Liquor and Whores: The Video.

"Once I get some liquor into me, I get up and I sing this one."



I have been looking for an excuse to try and embed a movie in one of the blog entries. And obviously - I've found a doozy. Enjoy the liquor and the whores, too.

Help Me. Help Me, Help You, Help Me.

I recently ordered a load of 'finance for the handicapped' books from Amazon as I am in an attempt to shake off Tink's pixie dust and move out of Neverland. I also got one from my doctor about bettering one's own health and downloaded the 7 Habits of Highly Effective people which I've listened to in its entirety now and also re-read The Wealthy Barber. I was speaking with a friend yesterday who was quick to point out I'm going nuts with the self help books. Like it was a bad thing.

How do y'all feel about this sort of thing? I don't see anything wrong with wanting to educate/better one's self, and it's not like I'm talking to the HR people at Heaven's Gate or anything. I couldn't balance a piggybank at the moment, and the only thing I've ever aggressively invested in is liquor, which granted has a pretty quick return turnaround time if we're talking about Southern Comfort.

My desktop Media PC TV breaking down has ultimately been a blessing in surprise, although I am paying a couple of college students to come over tomorrow morning to try to fix it. God bless CraigsList. Anyhew, I've had loads more time to read now that I can't Tivo Sanford and Son reruns, and I'm going to keep the trend going. I'm interested primarily in business management, finance and personal sanity. What read should be next on my list?

Un Autre Crowning Achievement.

My new crown popped off a few months back while I was working in the office on a Saturday night. A truly amazing thing happened to me that evening when I stopped in for a drink on my way home. I can't get into the details, but in the interests of setting the stage - let me just say "I can die now". And no, I didn't go home with Shirley Hemphill. Which is good because among other reasons she'd been dead for 7 years by that time. I'll never forget that night, is my point.

So when that same pesky tooth cap popped off again yesterday, as I absent-mindedly tore into a Sour Patch Kid, I was initially obviously very upset. But then I remembered my previous good fortune and wondered - was there a tie in? Would the tooth fairy return, and was she still going to be as generous? The short answer is "no". All I got out of the deal was an emergency trip to Newbury Dental this morning and an hour's less sleep. But I think I learned a larger lesson, so perhaps the true value of crownfest #2 has yet to be revealed.

Whether it was the 7th consecutive day of Blade Runner weather, the obnoxious ponces in the Back Bay or my violent aversion to all things homeless - one thing is becoming clearer and clearer. It's probably time for me to leave Boston. When my lease is up in September, that may be it for this chapter of my life. It's a good thing. A change is as good as a rest - and I feel like I've been on a HabiTrail treadmill for a good year now. If I were a puddle of rain water, I'd be full of bacteria and SeaMonkeys. If I were a tourist in Florida, I'd have one round behind the ear and my head against the steering wheel. If I were a shark, I'd be a floater. I'll stop.

I really think the semi-infamous wanderlust of my early 20's has returned. And I think I like it.

RSShake What Your Momma Gave Ya.

First off, right out of the gate, a tremendous thank you to whichever internet ne'er do well took the time needed to put this lovely Shakira montage together. Sincerely. That trunk is full. Put the luggage in the back seat with Grandma.

Next, a few kind words about RSS Bandit. You're reading my blog, so you probably read a few others. Did you know you can also have your news, stock quotes, movie reviews, gossip, weather and just about every other form of data under the sun delivered via RSS feeds? Download the Bandit - for those of you who are RSS amateurs, or get laid regularly, the greatest feature is the application's ability to take any URL you give it and then hunt for an RSS feed. Sometimes they can be hard to find. So you just tell it to add a new subscrition, type in the basic site name, and if there's a feed there it will find it. You can keep your feeds organized in a left hand column similar to IE favorites, and I absolutely love it - and I had tried many aggregators before settling on this one.

Now that I've come off like a huge nerd today, let me wrap up by chatting about my weight like a woman for a few lines. I mean, we've already established that I'm going to die alone. When you lose weight, even a little when you have a small fluxuation range like I do, your wardrobe suddenly doubles. I am back into 36s and am steadily dropping weight like a hot air balloon headed for a forest fire. If I see another fucking apple I'm going to shriek, but it's a nice feeling and I missed these pants. Welcome back Perry Ellis.

The Terrible T-Shirt Dilemma.

Here's the thing. Go over to GoonBlog and look at our cool new logo which I paid to have someone do properly. DVS and I, in the name of goodwill and free publicity, planned to have the logo printed on the front of a T-shirt (and a funny saying like "Shit Disturber" or "Drop the Gloves" on the back) and to then give them away to friends and people who frequent our site. I even had an apparent hook-up with a local company. But we're running into challenges, the least of which is our collective addiction to Slapshot and booze.

To screen the 4 color logo is cost prohibitive - we're looking at many hundreds of dollars at even friendly prices. And a one-color screen on one side of a shirt is too simple and blah. We may have to settle for that, but we're not ready to roll over and give in yet. For things other than bum sex, anyway. Cafepress or Zazzle would be easy, but we're talking about heat-transfers at that point, and even then they come in at a $14-25 cost- per-shirt and we could never expect to sell them and definitely not give them away for free.

My question is simply this - does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? There has got to be a better solution. T-shirts cost $2 for flip's sake. We've put men on the moon, we can manufacture a logo'd shirt for less than $20. Any guidance is appreciated. You'll get a shirt out of the deal. But honestly, probably bum sex if DVS has his way.

Wednesday Weigh-In #4: Ham-Handed Heifers

It's that time again, bountiful boys and girls. We're down to 7 participants from the original 15. Some opted out and some disappeared like the first 2 little pigs. The herd has been culled - only the serious pork-assers remain. 8 weeks and many pounds left to go - so let's look at this week's bad news.



- Monster >> Current: 265 / Last Week - 268 / Target 255 / Lost 3
- Smash >> Current: 138 / Last Week - 138.5 / Target 129 / Lost .5
- Pyeman >> Current: 226 / Last Week - 227 / Target 210 / Lost 1
- DVS >> Current 246 / Last Week - 248 / Target 210 / Lost 2
- Aubz >> Current: 134 / Last Week - 134 /Target 125 / Lost 0
- BDoyle >> Current: 188 - / Last Week - 187 / Target 175 / Gained 1
- Piglet >>> Current: 145 / Last Week - 147 / Target 135 / Lost 2.5
- Not Lance >>> Current: 171 / Last Week - 171 / Target 161 / Lost 0
- Greg >> Current: 187 / Last Week - 195 / Target 170 / Lost 8
- Venditti >> Current: 230 / Last Week - 232 / Target 219 / Lost 2
- Ka-Rista >> Current: 158 / Last Week - 158 / Target 140 / Lost 0

DVS is making steady progress, as is Smash and I am back on track after two heavy weekends. Not Lance is a seemingly serious new addition. Hang in there, piglets - we're getting there. I am finding this easier and easier as my stomach shrinks and Red Cross humanitarian aid packages drop through my ceiling. Pretty soon Angelina will adopt me and I'll finally be heir to the Pitt millions. This is going swimmingly.

A Plea For Photographs.

I left my camera at home Saturday night, so I have little in the way of the incriminating evidence you all know I like to post in my gallery. As it was Janet's 30th - I'd really like to get my hands on whatever is out there. If you attended, and you have some good photos, please send them my way, posthaste.

On that note, thanks to all who came, especially Penny from Toronto, as you made her night. A truly great time was had by all, and I almost want to turn 30 again now myself. Help me out.

Monday's Quotelet: You Sweater Recognize!

The novelty of resembling Ron Jeremy began to wear off when it started to interfere with Khalel's sweater business.

Friday Is Pyeday.

I wasn't sent a quizzlet today, so I apologize for the lack of one. The parents just arrived in town for JP's 30th, and they're going to be rocking my roofdeck in about an hour. Like Lenscrafters. I am excited to see them, as its been months, and this whole weekend should be a doozy. I am looking forward to the birthday party tomorrow, where my most awesome secret surprise for Janet will finally be revealed! No, Jenna Jameson will not be attending.

I know, I know. I haven't mentioned Squidoo in a long time and you're all getting edgy. Again, my sincerest regrets. I am mentioning it today because I got my first check from them today - percentages of revenue my lenses generate from the ads on them. What am I going to spend my $22 on? I'm taking suggestions.

You may have noticed the new graphic in the left column. You may have also masturbated in the shower this morning. I passed my very difficult Google Adwords Marketing Professional exam, and am now allowed to put that up there for ya. I haven't taken a test in a very long time, and I'll tell ya - they were not fond memories. I was tempted to start peeing in a small cup.

Speaking of piss, a friend and I watched the most recent episode of Trailer Park Boys the other night entitled "High-Definition Piss Jugs". It was, without a doubt, the funniest one I have ever seen, and may replace "Who's the Microphone Assassin" as my all time favorite. I never thought I'd see myself type that. Interest in a TPB marathon has been amazingly positive, and those of you in the know can expect an Evite next week. This season is the best since #3, and I'm so happy they found their groove again.

I think I've exposed my nerdery enough for one day, Boston. Enjoy the weather. Rampant roofdeckery season begins anew.

JP's Birthday At The Red Fez - The Final Countdown.

When Pyes have birthdays, the weather usually tries to end the family line. I don't know if one of my Norse ancestors insulted Zeus or frigging Beowulf or found the Monkey's Paw or whatever. But it never fails. My Cinco de Mayo/JP's b-day parties have been marred by torrential downpours 4 of the last times, and my 30th saw the biggest snowstorm that had hit Boston in 20 years. But, barring locusts, we're on for Saturday night for Japes' 30th at the Red Fez.

I have been planning parties for a long time, and attending them for even longer, so I thought I'd compile a list of things I've learned over the years. And perhaps a few pet peeves. If you're coming, this info may prove useful and avoid potential party fouls.

1. Please refrain from ever using the term "party foul".
2. Don't ask me what time you should be there. There's been an Evite, discussion on the blog, and you're also probably over the age of 6. Parties on Saturday nights start between 8 & 9, unless they're being held at a preschool or in the activity room of an institution not permitted to provide forks.
3. If you don't know how to get there, please look on the Evite, Google it or look at the restaurant's website that I've linked to several times now before you set out. I am not good at driving directions, especially in the South End, and the only way in which I'd be able to help you is to pass my phone to someone else or light a fucking car on fire in front of the joint.
4. If you know Janet, and she doesn't want to hit you for any reason, you're invited. If you didn't get the Evite it's an oversight and do not take it personally. My friends included.
5. Have an exit strategy. Unless you're somehow related, or part of my inner, inner circle, I don't have after hour parties anymore. It sucks, but it's not worth the neighborhood grief I get.
6. If you're on the Evite, reply to it. It makes her feel good.

That's about it for now. I hope to see y'all there, and please remember - Don't feed Gordo any liquor.

Got A Whale Of A Tale To Tell Ya, Lads.

Today hasn't exactly been a bad day per se - but it just got a whole lot better. You know any modern mention of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea gets me moist. This is a friggin' doozy.

The new movie will be period set in the exact year (1867) of Verne's novel. I worship the novel and the Disney film and hope to do neither any disrespect! However, this is a re-adaptation NOT a remake. The idea is to go where previous film versions couldn't due to lack of technology, etc. and to finally put some of the novel's classic scenes that have never been filmed in any version onto the big screen for the first time. That and a few surprises along the way.

The giant squid will obviously be badass CGI, as will the Nautilus and all the great underwater scenes. But I hope they keep my favorite moment intact - namely Ned getting drunk while locked in his cabin with the old smelly grey sealion. Let's hope they don't get all Hollywood-2006-PC on us and have him drinking iced chai latte with a transgendered baby seal. Or Alec Baldwin.

Wednesday Weigh-In #3: Pork Me, You Dirty Bastard.

Some good results so far this week, although I hit a bit of a snag. My excuse is, since we're having Janet's party at the Red Fez this Saturday, and paying lots for appetizers for the punters, so I obviously had to go down there Monday night for quality control purposes. Let's see a funny pig photo and then look at the tale of the tape:



- Monster >> Current: 268 / Last Week - 270 / Target 255 / Lost 2
- Smash >> Current: 138.5 / Last Week - 139 / Target 129 / Lost .5
- Pyeman >> Current: 227 / Last Week - 226 / Target 210 / Gained 1
- Greg >> Current: 205 / Last Week - 205 / Target 170 / Lost 0
- DVS >> Current 248 / Last Week - 250 / Target 210 / Lost 2
- Aubz >> Current: 134 / Last Week - 134 /Target 125 / Lost 0
- Ka-Rista >> Current: 158 / Last Week - 159 / Target 140 / Lost 1
- Venditti >> Current: 232 / Last Week - 238 / Target 219 / Lost 6
- Sly >> Current: 216 - Last Week - 218 / Target 205 / Lost 2
- LBN >> Current: 155 / Last Week - 157 / Target 135 - Gained 2
- BDoyle >> Current: 187 - / Last Week - 189 / Target 175 / Lost 2
- Brick02 >> Current: 154 / Last Week - 154 / Target 144 - Lost 0
- Piglet >>> Current: 147 / Last Week - 148.5 / Target 135 / Lost 1.5
- Richard >> Current: 180 / Last Week - 185 / Target 170 - Lost 5

If your name hasn't been bolded, I am still waiting on results so get them in to me pronto. I think next week we'll have enough data for a little progress Pye chart. See what I did there? Good luck to us all, because the Slimfast bar novelty is definitely wearing off. The next couple of weeks will be where we separate the serious from the porkies. The wheat from the chaff. The men from the boys. The heifers from the healthy. Chime in on your experiences thus far in the comments, and let's keep it chugging. And no chugging bacon grease.

Let's Have A President's Choice Buttered Roll With Peaches.

I know I said I love you
I know you know it’s true
I got to put the phone down
And do what we gotta do

One’s standing in the aisle way
Two more at the door
We got to get inside there
Before they kill some more

I previously mentioned my dissapointment at Neil Young's recent moonbat mutation - namely his decision to write an entire album criticising the Iraq War and to release a song called "Let's Impeach the President". Young is one of the most amazing, prolific songwriters in history, and I'm sure he could have played it a little subtler with his eyes closed and had the same effect - whatever his motivations are. This is a bit of a 360, and an unwelcome one at that.

Mark Steyn has more: The news that my compatriot Neil Young has now released a song called "Let's Impeach The President" is a sad reminder of how far we've slipped back in the last five years. His song "Let's Roll" was a terrific tribute to the brave passengers of Flight 93, and the difference in focus between these two songs is very telling about not just our entertainment industry but about our broader civilizational confidence.

I'm reminded of a little known rapper, Intelligent Hoodlum, who graced us with his seminal liberal horseshit hit Arrest the President back in 1988. In addition to adopting perhaps the most blatant oxymoron in history as his moniker, IH was firing pretty blind and rallying against Reaganomics and Ronnie's obvious vendetta against minorities. Now Neil is joining the good fight, and also blaming one man for the bulk of the Universe's problems.

If you can sense the sarcasm, it's because I'm laying it on pretty thick. I mean, there's the Intelligent Hoodlums of the world, and then there's Neil fucking Young. Impeach the President? Fuck off. Is Neil losing his grip? He recently turned 60 - does he feel like he's running out of time in which to save the world? Does he feel badly about penning the "Let's Roll" 5 years ago, which brought a lot of comfort to a lot of people during that horrible time?

No one has the answers
But one thing is true
You got to turn on evil
When it’s comin’ after you

You got to face it down
And when it tries to hide
You got to go in after it
And never be denied
Time is runnin’ out
Let’s roll...

I am less concerned with bandying our collective pedestrian opinions back and forth about how dumb Bush is vs. whether or not we're all in very real danger of dying in a nuclear blaze - and more interested in why Young is bothering to do this. It's bothering me because he's a) Canadian, b) a genius who should know better and c) flipping and a flopping around, while accusing GWB of doing the same thing. Neil - please write some more songs about praries and moons, and shut the fuck up. The evil hasn't started fighting itself.

Click here for the full lyrics which were just released today. I think Neil may need to give a freshman girl at UMASS Amherst a co-writing credit. "Stop playing Neil Young at the facist penis parties!"

Monday's Quotelet: Uncle Dirty Pants.

Little Suki's Mom could never understand why she got so upset when Uncle Mike came over to babysit. Years later, when Suki learned to speak, Mom got her answer. Loosely translated from the Japanese: "All the damn buggery."