Wednesday Wadio: Liquor & Guns & Whores & Roses.

"This is a song I play down at the legion sometimes..." - Bubbles.

The Trailer Park Boys rake in a ton of money in the show's off-season making in-character personal appearances, and for the last few years they have toured as opening acts for a lot of Canadian bands. They took it a step further last week in Halifax, Nova Scotia - their home Province.



"Axl has done duets with the likes of Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, Bono, Springsteen, and now ...Bubbles! A page in the history of rock n roll was written that night, and I'm glad I was there to witness it." -YouTube comment

The Metro Center in Halifax holds a gazillion people, and I know it was sold out for this show. To hear thousands of voices singing along to Bubbles' infamous ditty is something you just have to watch for yourself. And when Axl himself does his strange little serpentine slither up to the front of the stage to join in, and actually appears to know the words, it's a very odd sight indeed. But in a good way.

"Seeing Axl Rose sing along to Nova Scotia's new official anthem rocks ...and hearing how the nearly 10,000 people there knew all the words is just so insanely funny." YouTube Comment

7 Reasons I Wanty Winter.

When you turn the heat up in my apartment, it smells exactly like someone cooking a grilled cheese. As I absolutely love grilled cheeses, this is one of the things that makes fall and winter my favorite time of year. I have found myself proclaiming that a lot lately, and have gotten some odd "Oooooh Pye - You're just so cool, edgy and different" looks. So I thought I'd better make a quick list of other reasons I greatly prefer the November-March months.

1. Jackets: I routinely carry an iPod, cell phone, Altoids, wallet, keys and a camera. This can become challenging when it's July in Boston and you're considering leaving the apartment in shorts and your female roomate's halfshirt.

2. Dry cleaning bills: For those of us who have to dress up for work, it's no fun to start sweating like you're in one of Jimmy Tango's vibrating heat bead suits before you even get on the MBTA. Thanks to Old Man Winter, I can now actually choose the times at which I want to sweat like a prostitute in church.

3. Obviously, the grilled cheese thing.

4. Tourist culling: Extreme cold cuts the foot traffic in this little section of Disneyland we call the North End in half. I can get where I need to go without walking down the middle of the street and then having to come to a full stop to the side whenever a car comes through. It's getting harder and harder to resist the urge to yell "It's not called a fucking sidestand!" every year.

5. Deep fried turkey: Amazing with pesto injected under the skin. Nice one, Jim.

6. Peripheral Sox Fans: If you're truly a baseball nut, and used to go to games with your deceased uncle, I am not talking to you. I am referring to the legions of Boston residents with severe identity crisises who wear the hats, talk incessantly about Manny and go batshit on the subway on the way to lousy Fenway seats seemingly 6 days a week. When they were teenagers, they would have gotten a tattoo, pierced their nose or started dressing like Trent Reznor. Now they call themselves Soxgrrl78 on Match and MySpace and would rather watch Fever Pitch than Citizen Kane.

7. Hockey: I love hockey, and I love hockey fans. Walking 5 minutes from my home and being at the Garden is not a luxury I will have forever. In terms of overrunning the city, remember that Bruins fans are located mostly in the suburbs, then effectively corralled into North Station so as not to offend the rest of the populous. I mean, they get off the commuter rail, and they're right there. But the best thing about preferring to hang out with B's fans rather than Sox fans is that they might pave your driveway for a ride back to Stoneham.

I could go on. Just please trust me when I tell you I look forward to cold weather, and am not trying to impress anyone that doesn't have half a grilled cheese sandwich in their breast pocket. Back to the blog development consulting. Damn it, I did it again guys.

Monday's Quotelet: Now With Wings.

Although the President publicly promised to stem future Katrina flow, Many felt he'd missed the point. Especially his publicist, Katrina Jones.

Blatant Promotion Is A Necessary Evil.

You know the drill. As an SEM Consultant I have to utilize PITF sometimes to give a little SEO love to things that I'm currently working on. I am honest about it, and even try to make it marginally humorous when possible. Besides - no one has a gun to your head.

Recently, while searching for a Boston Yoga studio, a truly terrible thing happened. During a complicated vinyasa pose - I slipped, fell straight through a replacement window and had to then get in touch with a Boston personal injury lawyer. It's really put a damper on the whole yoga idea, let me tell you. But it got even worse. The horrible doctors wrapped me in a dog sweater, jammed me into a cigar humidor and then made me design several free myspace layouts for the ER staff. Talk about a cruddy weekend.

And... scene. I won't do that again for awhile, kids. Promise.

Tuesday's Videolet: Enough With The Milk.

Cornett is reincarnated as a cat and becomes agitated when his new owners start passing around a bottle of Makers Mark.

The Parched Equine Of Search Marketing.

I have been holding off on promoting my new SEO Blog here on PITF as I wanted to make sure it was tiiight before doing so. As SEO is my profession, and I like to keep my profession on the DL around here, it was not a decision I entered into lightly. I wanted to create an identity apart from the dead hooker jokes on which to hone and possibly even ply my trade. I think you can see the logic behind that, eh? Pass the lime.

And while I probably needed another blog like a hole in the head, I went ahead and spent a lot of time putting it together. Emily was nice enough to help me with the logo and favicon, which are awesome, and I settled on a domain and brand which I am also very happy with. So without any further blabbering, and very sore typing fingers, I now give you ThirstyPony.com.

You've heard the old marketing expression "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink", right? Hence the name. My tagline is Search Marketing - Simplified, and my goal is to write articles that small business owners and SEO gurus alike will be able to understand and enjoy. Think of it as the non-patronizing, evil trailer park genius of online marketing blogs. Or something. Please add it to your favorites if you're interested in this sort of thing, and leave feedback here or on the pony itself. Give me a little whinney.

Monday's Quotelet: Sushi Says To Me...

The dancing Belugas at Hakkeijima Sea Paradise aquarium in Tokyo brought holiday joy to many children. Especially at the post-show buffet.

Gobble Gobble? That's What She Said!

As I still don't have my regular set of Quizzlet questions, and the interactive version from last week did so well, I thought I'd again switch it up and keep encouraging contributions. Monster just sent me a list of cheezy, inappropriate innuendos that can be made during next week's Thanksgiving Holidays (my favorite time of year), and perhaps we can collectively add to it. What do you think, people? Let's find our inner Merv the Pervs. Here are 18 - let's see if we can get to 30.

01. Talk about a huge breast!
02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
03. It's Cool Whip time!
04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
05. That's one terrific spread!
06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
07. Are you ready for seconds yet?
08. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

I feel this is an excellent use of your company's time. Have at it.

Wednesday Wadio: Tribe's 'Joyride'.

"The problem was that no one outside of Boston got the memo on how great they were. They made an appearance on Conan O’Brien, but it looked as though Tribe was going to remain a local treasure rather than a national one."

As it relates to my personal era, I look at Boston music in threes. The high school years were chock full of Big Dipper, the Pixies and Tribe. I recently asked if anyone had a copy of Here at the Home, to which one friend replied - yes! I finally made it over to her house last night, and was absolutely pumped to spin that sucker once again. HATH is out of print, as is its follow up, Abort - and it had been 10 years since I'd had a listen.



Imagine my surprise then today when I took a shot in the dark and looked them up on YouTube. Joyride (I saw the film) is a song off of their second last album, and it's not so bad. I would have much rather found Daddy's Home or Rescue Me, but it's truly amazing to me that a Tribe video is available at all. I'll take it.

There is precious little Tribe info available online, although I do know that their last ever show was in 1994 and lead singer Janet LaValley has always been very easy on the eyes. One should never say never, however, and a friend of the band recently told me they would be reforming in 2007 for a few local Boston dates. Guess who'll be there? Go on, guess.

Abort saw many of the best songs on HATH re-recorded, with "better" production values and Pixies producer Gil Norton twiddling the knobs. It is a solid album from start to finish, and I think where Tribe really stood out were their harmonies and Spectre-esque soundscapes. However I always preferred the stripped-down, dirtier versions from HATH, and I want to repeat my request for a copy. Come on people, this is Boston, afterall.

Bobby McFerrin Raped My Grandmother.

Did anyone see Alec Baldwin on SNL last weekend? The show has been so spotty over the last 2 years that even I, Mr. "There are always rebuilding years that aren't very funny," have been starting to worry. The early hype created by Lazy Sunday dwindled quickly as even Dane Cook and John C. Riley failed to rally the troops towards consistently funny shows. But the Baldwin episode was almost 100% funny, and I was very glad to see a little life left in the old studio. Some other thoughts on the current cast:

- Keenan Thompson should be used more. But at SNL, if you don't come up with your own characters, and you're not always a suitable utility player (like Hammond or Hartman) then the writers won't put you in many sketches. The characters he does repeat, i.e. the gay disco show host, are weak. But the kid has a lot of talent. I hope he starts to stand out beyond the Bill Cosby impression soon.

- Andy Samberg is a funny kid, and I like the way he has spearheaded the digital shorts, but he's a little too overtly Sandlerish. If he finds his own identity, and keeps writing his own stuff, he'll be around for a long time. If he keeps playing songs on his acoustic guitar and trying to be cute, he may make a nice living for a few years but won't be remembered as one of the greats. Ask Jimmy Fallon.

- I really liked Finesse Mitchell. I was sorry to see him taken off the cast. But I understand why he was axed. He didn't do many impressions, wasn't writing and also couldn't be used much for utility. Not much call for a full time Steadman.

- Releasing Rob Riggle was a huge mistake. I am glad to see he landed on his feet over at the Daily Show. Riggle was a real standout during 2005 and I am still scratching my head, Lorne. Chalk him up right underneath David Koechner and Sarah Silverman as the most premature SNL firings ever.

- I see a lot of potential in Bill Hader and Kirsten Wiig. His impressions are amazing, and she has devised some off-the-wall characters so far. I am still laughing at the "canderls" Target lady.

So basically my question becomes, can Alec Baldwin just host every week?

Cat Burglaring For The Handicapped.

I have been on the road today, and having trouble finding inspiration for a good post. Luckily, it just came in the form of an instant messenge from a friend. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the worst burglar in human history. Please believe me when I say this is worth the time it takes to watch it.



When I think of a cat burglar, which is defined as: A burglar who is especially skilled at stealthy or undetected entry of a premises, I think of Catherine Zeta-Jones' sweet buttocks pointed in the air as she navigates lasers under the tutiledge and raging erection of Sir Sean Connery. Or James Caan in Thief, but in this case more skill set and less buttocks. Regardless, the subject of the surveillance in this case is going to be burned into my related funny bone for a long time. He can't even hit the camera with the margarita mix. Like a rat in a trap, as the police arrive, he sits down for a quick surrender smoke.

50 contact bottle top bruises, 5 to 10 with good behavior, a new respect for drop-ceiling strength and a pack of Marlboro Lights. A haul worthy of Danny Ocean himself.

Things That Give Me Bumps In The Night.

As I walked past the mirror on my way to the bathroom this morning, I noticed an enormous bump in the middle of my forehead. It's closer to the hairline, and I sort of look like a budding young unicorn - I have an impacted wisdom horn, perhaps. It's pretty ridiculous, and I almost thought about working from home today rather than face society with this goose egg. But then again, I'll stay home for a good episode of Columbo. I am a professional, you see.

So I have to assume it was some sort of bug. And due to the bump size, likely a spider. And that's just nasty. What else is fucking with me while I slumber? Is the cat tea-bagging me with little furry orange nuts in retribution for questionable litter box cleanliness? Is it Santa who keeps drinking all my beer? I just don't know.

So some nasty little bug bastard sat on the middle of my head and drank blood to its heart's content. And he's on to a good thing now, so I can probably look forward to this again. There will be a thorough ceiling spider check when I get home tonight, and possibly masturbating.

Monday's Quotelet: The Cat Who Could... Holy Shit!

After having his driver's license confiscated for the 5th time, Toonces was forced to look for work in the Caribbean.

Friday's Quizzlet: Right Back At Ya, Babe.

The place I get my Quizzlet questions from is on hiatus until the 17th, so I am without my usual fodder source on this fine Friday. So, what to do? How about I write a list of them, and you guys answer them for a change? Or completely ignore me - it's your perogative, Bobby.

1. Did Jack Nicholson ruined The Departed?

2. Are you capable of working full time from home, or would the distractions be too much?

3. Could you kill someone if the alternative was to have them kill you?

4. Do you attend your high school reunions?

5. Will National security suffer if the Democrats continue to take power?

Some of these are silly, and some of them are weighing heavily on my mind right now for whatever reason. If we get some good responses, I will post them next week on the main page of the site. If we don't, I'll continue to prattle away to myself like a crazy person who smells of pee.

Visit SupportWilk.org.

My sister introduced me to Jon Wilkerson earlier this year, and we eventually all went to a Belle and Sebastian concert here in Boston. I hadn't seen him since, and was shocked when I was sent his accident-related website earlier today:

"On Wednesday, June 21, 2006, Jon Wilkerson was involved in a tragic mountain biking accident at the Des Moines Creek Park in Kent, WA just outside Seattle. Jon was by himself when it occurred so he spent the night alone, hanging on until strangers found him the following day. Jon was in critical condition when found, requiring resuscitation and stabilization. His neck was broken at vertebrae C6 and suffered additional damage above and below this vertebrae. The accident has rendered Jon with limited mobility from his neck down. Since being hospitalized, he has also dealt with several significant complications including 4 bouts of pneumonia."

According to the site, set up in his name to raise money for his treatment, Jon is doing as well as can be expected and is in very good hands. I thought I'd mention it here today to give him a little search engine juice and wish him a full recovery. He was a genuinely terrific guy and I'm sorry I didn't get to know him better before he moved. Godspeed, Jon.

Wednesday Wadio: Travis Does Britney, But Who Hasn't?

They fell off faster than a fat kid on a see-saw, but for a brief moment in 2001 Scottish band Travis were on top of the world and one of my very favorites. This is a cover of Britney's (oooh, timely!) Hit Me Baby One More Time that was performed at Glastonbury that year - and it stands alone as a super tune. The minor guitar chords and Fran Healey's sweetie-pie voice give it a sad, eerie feeling. Much how Mr. and Mrs. Spears must have felt when Britney brought that oozing cock sore into their home for the first time. See what you think.

Britney, It's Probably Too Late For You.

That doesn't change the fact that I'm extremely pleased you've kicked that fucking pariah out of your house and filed for divorce. I bemoaned your sad transformation a year or so ago, and you were truly the last to know that this would end in tears. As far as your career goes, you just don't bounce back on the sexy meter after pumping out two dirtbag-descendants.

My older post covers most of the basics, so I'll stick to my hopes for Britney's future. Thanks to VH1, you're always going to have a job, baby. Whether you're on top of the charts, or a giant electronic scale - that's still show business. If Flava can make a celebreality comeback, then so can you. Just please make sure that at no time Flava comes on your back. Cause that's probably the only thing on this planet that's worse than having your baggage lined with Feder.

Please Allow Me To Dance For You.

A co-worker wanted to play with his iPaq a few month ago. That's not a euphemism for masturbation. It's PDA with a video camera. So I performed an impromptu piece of interpretive dance which he sent to me last night. I'd forgotten about it, and in retrospect it's quite breathtaking.



It's kind of like a vaudeville version of the 'robot' which turns into some shadow boxing towards the end. Really, really ahead of its time. And I'm especially glad I was wearing my Jersey Shore Adidas top thingy that day. Please enjoy.

Saturday Is Fleeting.

My favorite day of the week is always over in the blink of an eye, and I never accomplish everything I set out to. It's already nearly four, and by my scientific calculations I've accomplished 2 loads of laundry, some kitchen cleaning or as they'd say around the lab - the square root of fuck all. Alright, so I made my bed too. Dr. Covey, I await my mention in the foreward of your next edition.

The best laid plans and the best of intentions do not a productive Saturday make. I've looked forward to my Taz-esque whirlwind of task-ticking all week, and yet I still found the time today to play Scarface for three hours. But there's plenty of time left, and I've learned how to sell virtual cocaine with the best of them. Not like it's going to get dark in an hour. Oh, actually yes it will.

It's true that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. But unfortunately it's also true that if you make a great plan that doen't mean you won't eat three dill pickles and drink a pot of coffee while watching home video of your 24th birthday party. Get back in the game, Pye. There are toilets to scrub around here.

Mills Boy Makes Sleazy.

Some Guelph guys just forwarded me this. Al was my first ever internet project related collaborator. Art, I remember you he and I were working on some website back in 1996. Do you recall the premise? I don't. I do, however, remember helping to newspaper-ball Al's entire dorm room when he went home one weekend because he'd pissed someone off. He was a bit greasy. A comment from the email:

"He was the greasiest ladies man ever, so i'm not surprised. One time i heard him say "I love you' on the phone to his girlfriend back home when he was in bed with some tart he picked up the night before." No doubt at a Mills pub at the Rock Cellar. Glad to see Al has's remained true to his roots. "Mills Once, Mills Twice - Holy Jumping Jesus Christ!"

We really need to get the chant online somewhere for posterity. You can be damn sure it isn't taught during frosh week anymore. I believe it's been substituted by something from the Koran at this point. I started a little Mills tribute site a few years ago which I think I still have on my computer at home. I'll dig it up. Stay tuned, boys.

Introducing MySpaceIsBetter.com.

Most MySpace layouts are absolutely terrible, and most free MS sites are just advertisement farms waiting to impregnante your daughters with viruses and SpyWare. Again, this is a bad thing. My roomate, one of his co-workers and I have been working on a MySpace layout website, and we've just posted some of the free introductory designs for you to check out.

Tom and Ben did a wonderful job on this set of Borat themes, just in time for the movie's release this weekend. They are cleanly designed with dynamic quotes, great original graphics and other fun components. Just paste any of the 9 codes into your MS profile's "About Me" section and you're done. Check back in a few weeks for more of their amazing free designs.

Desperately Seeking My Annoying Inner Health Nut.

I've been very, very ill since Sunday, and it's due in no small part to all the travel, sleep deprivation and revelry of last weekend. But about 1.5 days into my 3-day coma, I realized there was something larger at work than a simple bender. And that is - I am an extremely unhealthy individual. To give this some perspective, more for myself rather than my readers, here is a select and impromptu tally from the last month that led to my physical breakdown.

- On average, 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's a week.
- 14 hours on the computer per day.
- Although I hadn't had a drink prior in nearly 3 weeks, JV's wedding saw 3 days of heavy imbibement including port, beer, scotch, homemade Welland basement wine, champagne and Tequila Rose.
- A Nicaraguan cigar.
- Coca-Cola. Lots of it. Whenever I go out and do not drink alcohol, which is quite frequent.
- Several times this last month I have purchased little bricks of Velveeta which have ended up melted on pizza pockets and mixed into Chef Boyardee ravioli. Give me a Fun Dip for dessert and yes, it's 1978 again.
- Ambien - I can't sleep on weeknights without at least a wee nibble. Regular sleep has been a challenge for me for many years. Spare me the story about the person who drove their car while asleep - it's all I ever hear about when I mention the 'A' word. Besides, I woke up in a cornfield and no one was hurt.
- Cheetos. 2 bags in the last 4 weeks. In addition to the wonderful salty flavor, it's also fun to run around the house looking like you just wanked with Eazy Cheez.
- Pizza, preferably pepperoni. Every thursday night and at least 4 slices. Currently, this constitues health food in my life.

It's not so much what's on the above list perhaps as what is glaringly absent. It's a simple trinity:

- Fruit.
- Vegetables.
- Exercise.

We did the Pork Ass Challenge earlier this year to some good results. But that was just about dropping weight, and I opted for some really foolish methods of accomplishing that. This Saturday I'm hitting a real supermarket, starting to use my crisper for something other than rotten Haymarket apples and joining one of the nearby gyms. When I write it on the blog, it usually happens. I will scan the membership ID - see if I don't.