Don Lennon - Tonight At ZuZu's!

I just found out Don Lennon is playing tonight at ZuZu's (The Middle East) in Cambridge. I guess he doesn't need a place to sleep this trip. I'll be attending with a few folks if anyone would like to check him out. Read my previous reviews and articles for a refresher, babies.



Update: A photo from last night. Good times, good times.

A Decade And A Half Of Extreme Mediocrity.

Doug sent me this photo last night from a couple of Thanksgivings ago. It's really remarkably good, if of course you know any of the participants. I took a lot of photos this night at Jim's too - but none of them really captured the moment as well. Shortly prior to Doug's email, Phil dropped me a line and asked me to help organize... wait for it... my 15 year high school reunion. The 10 year was a blast, so of course I agreed, but jeepers. 15 years. Nostalgia started creeping in a little bit, and I figured I'd say a few words about how I feel turning into the home stretch of this awful anniversary.



Everyone thinks that they know crazy people, or fun people, or maybe that their high school was a little bit nuts. CCHS, from about 88-92, was a special time. By the time we all got to college in 1992, we were bored. There are many people who'll attest to that fact. We sowed the shit out of our collective oats. School and town officials really started to crack down after then, and it can all be traced back to the video tape of a party at a certain person's house - who may or may not be typing this right now - which got about 25 kids kicked off of sports teams. Worst part is, the host in question wasn't even going to the high school at this point. Anyway, it was the beginning of the end of the insanity.

Concord is a very affluent town, and many of our parents had lots of room for vacations, or even summer/winter houses in other states. My point is - every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night - without fail - there was a party. And if there wasn't a house to haunt, we'd take it outside. Namely "Eden", "Boonyards" or "The Mayflower". We got pinched at Eden once, and a friend went to the clink for peeing on the fire after the police told him to put it out. Jeeps full of soldiers with M-16s invaded Boonyards another time, as we'd failed to realize the muddy lot was in fact property of Hanscom Airforce Base. We were resourceful, we had a little money, we all had our own cars - it was a minor delinquency Neverland.

There are a hundred good stories, that we delight in telling to eachother when we all get together - which I can never reveal here. So I'll keep it general: We so crazy. I have lived in a lot of places, and known a lot of people, but this bunch is a special one and I hope we're all still in contact on the eve of the 30 year. I know we will be. People say to me sometimes, I can't believe you still hang out with and keep in touch with all your high school friends. And to them I say - Why the hell not? You grow up with these people. They know you better than anyone. Why would you ever throw all that away because you move half an hour away. Why would you throw that away if you moved to fucking Singapore? I like having good friends. Maybe it's just me.

Wednesday Weigh In #2: Shape Up Or Ship Out!

"Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels." - Stuart Smalley.

A grand total of 2 people have checked in with their new weights so far today, and sadly - one of them was me. I am deadly serious about the Pork Ass Challenge, and anyone who does not get their latest fatbody figures to me by midnight today will be removed. So let's keep it going and I don't have time to chase you, lardies. Participant names will be bolded as the results come in.



- Monster >> Current: 270 / Last Week - 272 / Target 255 / Gained 2
- Smash >> Current: 139 / Last Week - 139 / Target 129 / Lost 0
- Pyeman >> Current: 226 / Last Week - 230 / Target 210 / Lost 4
- Greg >> Current: 205 / Last Week - 205 / Target 170 / Lost 0
- DVS >> Current 250 / Last Week - 252 / Target 210 / Lost 2
- Aubz >> Current: 134 / Last Week - 135 /Target 125 / Lost 1
- Ka-Rista >> Current: 159 / Last Week - 160 / Target 140 / Lost 1
- Venditti >> Current: 232 / Last Week - 238 / Target 219 / Lost 6
- Sly >> Current: 216 - Last Week - 218 / Target 205 / Lost 2
- LBN >> Current: 155 / Last Week - 157 / Target 135 - Gained 2
- BDoyle >> Current: 189 - / Last Week - 190 / Target 175 / Lost 1
- AllMusicFan >> Current: 185 - Target 170 - Lost 0
- Brick02 >> Current: 154 / Last Week - 154 / Target 144 - Lost 0
- Piglet >>> Current: 148.5 / Last Week - 151 / Target 135 / Lost 2.5
- Richard >> Current: 180 / Last Week - 185 / Target 170 - Lost 5

Good lord this is more fun than the finish line of the Boston Marathon. Only less Kenyans. Did I have a miserable week? Not really. I ate the cheese off a piece of pizza. Took a run around the Public Gardens and Common. Ate 6 protein bars and a lot more fruit and veggies than normal. I also murdered about a box of green tea. It's almost fun, as hard as it is to admit. And I'm not having any trouble with my momentum this week. Share your weekly experiences, diet, tips, anecdotes etc. in the comments below. Keep 'er fuckin' goin, guys! We can do this.

Trailer Park Boys Return To Glory.

Before we get started, the second weigh-in of the PITFPAC is tomorrow morning - sharpish! If you lollygag, pussyfoot or otherwise slack on getting me figures, you'll be culled from the determined flock of 15 and left to wallow in your own porktralesence.

Every year around this time, my beloved Trailer Park Boys begins another series on Showcase in Canada. Through devious and piradacious means, I get to watch them about 12 hours after they premier. I was quite unimpressed with Season 5, and lost a lot of my TPB zeal. You could say I feared they had truly jumped the shark somewhere around the introduction of Conky in Season 4. But I take it all back. Season 6 is killing me thus far. I found this graphic yesterday, someone obviously took the TPB characters and morphed them into South Park cartoons, and I knew it was time to write about the new hotness...



I am just going to bulletpoint a few things that have happened in the first 2 episodes The Way of the Road and The Cheeseburger Picnic. Fans of the show will 'get it', and people who haven't seen it will be so morbidly transfixed by these statements that they'll be forced to rush out and get the DVDs for Seasons 1-5.

- Bubbles opens a day care center for cats called "KittyLand". While he is currently working for free, as he owns about 30 of them anyways, he hopes to eventually make some cash caring for other people's. He's built a mini amusement park on the front lawn of his shed and it looks ridiculous.
- Julian made $8200 selling potato vodka in jail, and also got his real estate license during his last stint. He buys a run-down trailer from Barb Lahey in episode 1 and now intends to 'flip' them for an honest living.
- J-Roc has 2 pregnant "Baby Momma's" living with him and T-Bone, and is also trying to go legit. No longer stealing groceries or rapping, J-Roc seems to be trying to get in on the whole real estate thing with Julian.
- Ricky and his father Ray have developed a new scheme - stealing garbage. "Once it's at the curb, it's garbage". So naturally they pull a lot of lawn furniture down to the end of people's driveways when they're not home and then come back for it later. The garbage strategy is becoming a problem for his reconciliation with Lucy, because "He always smells and bees follow him everywhere".
- Randy and Mr. Lahey break up. Jim moves in with his ex-wife Barb to sober up, and Randy starts spending a lot of time with two local cops. Lahey mixes iced tea into his rye bottles to appear drunk when he's really sober, and plans to lull the boys into a false sense of security and then get them out of the park once and for all. Lucy tries to seduce the cops at the park's first annual Cheeseburger picnic with her hot dog eating techniques, but they seem more interested in Bo-Bandy. Sam Losco also crashes the proceedings.
- Sarah, Corey and Trevor, still dating as a threesome, open a convenience store in a shed in the park. It seems like a good idea, as Bubbles in particular is always going down there for "pop n' chips", but everyone's credit seems to be great at this particular store, and I don't see it ending well for park commerce.
- Ray gets kicked out of the park for his urine disposal methods. A former trucker, Ray claims that pissing into 2 liter jugs and then throwing them into the tree on his property is simply "The Way of the Road". Bubbles thinks that "firing pissy jugs into the forest isn't the way of any fuckin' road". Randy and the cops agree, and Ray has to take his detached semi sleeper cab and move to the nearby dump.

I couldn't make this shit up. Welcome back TPB, and I can't wait to see the movie this summer. See the hilarious trailer here. BTW - a Saturday afternoon North End Season 6 marathon is forthcoming as soon as I get a few more of them. And you didn't hear this from me, but you can download them yourselves via torrent here. Stay tuned for an afternoon of rye, chicken fingers and pepperoni very soon...

Monday's Quotelet: Show Me Your Darkstar.

A bit down on his luck since The Grateful Dead's demise, Mickey Hart made the next logical profession change - to Anal Voodoo Warlock.

Not Even MTV 2 Plays Music Videos.

But they do play the Andy Milonakis Show all day. And it's brilliant. So I spent 5 minutes trying to learn some more about him. He's 29, he's Jimmy Kimmel's buddy and he has a growth hormone issue which makes him look like he's 12 years old. Recently he has been dating Desa Crabtree, an aspiring model from Denver,Colorado - so for a fat 30 year old man with a serious medical condition, he's doing alright. Watch the show if you get a chance - if I had my own TV program, this would be it. Stupid, stupid brilliant humor.

Friday's Quizzlet: Spaghetti Best Western.

Appetizer: List 3 things you keep putting off.
This is a list that has gotten a whole heck of a lot shorter this very week. I'll spare you more chatter about the new desk and the bedroom project, but it's nearly finished and is making me very happy. The new workspace is going to lead to the only major 'to-do' that is still really bothering me - sitting down and doing more writing. My blogs are cool and everything, let's be honest - wicked fucking cool - but they aren't making me any real money. I have some book ideas I am going to start flushing out. And while we're at it, I am going to get off my Canadian tush and get Yank citizenship so I can continue to live wherever the wind/liquor takes me, unmolested by either government.

Soup: What do you feel is your greatest responsibility?
I am almost completely devoid of them - which is one of the reasons I have been feeling uncomfortable as of late and whipping a few facets of my life into shape. If there is one thing that breathes down my neck at night, that isn't Philippino and wasn't paid $600 for the whole evening, it's the fact that my parents are likely going to have to sell their new house in the next few years in order to downsize and get closer to civilization for medical reasons. Perhaps to a retirement community - or at least a cheap Motel with an outdoor soda machine. I would love to strike it rich and be able to buy it off them, and then move there permanently, grow my fingernails, write a manifesto and never have to see an Emo ever again. They could live in their trailer on the edge of the property and do really shoddy senior citizen yardwork. But we'd keep Graceland North in the family.

Salad: If you'd starred in any movie, which one would it have been and why?
Office Space. Because everyone seems to think I'm Ron Livingston anyway. Not really - I'd love to be in a Spaghetti Western, or a Rat Pack or Matt Helm movie where they do a song and dance number while Tommy-gunning loads of people to death. Alright, I'll come clean. I obviously would have made a great Roy Batty.

Main Course: What is a false expectation you had as a kid about being an adult?
That I would eventually become Spiderman.

Dessert: When was the last time you had your car serviced?
I suppose having it picked up by a charity counts as servicing. Maybe? I gave my last automobile to the good of the kids, and save for a time or two I have never missed it. I want one of these so badly, blame my inner-guido and my love of Bullitt I guess, but would probably end up driving it once a month. It would be more useful to get my tits done.

The Project Is Me.

The attempt to drag myself kicking and screaming into adulthood continues at an encouraging pace. I wrote about my insane-librarian-frat-basemesnt-esque bedroom a few months back (re-reading it, it's damn funny if I do say so myself) and I haven't lost the maturity redecorating zeal just yet. Monday my new desk and shelf set showed up, and I've spent every night this week jamming that square peg into the round hole - namely, Dave in a room that doesn't look like it belongs to Quentin Tarantino with a drink problem.

Tuesday night I gutted my bedroom - and I mean gutted like a TaunTaun. Bags upon bags of stuff I didn't really want to throw away - but forced myself to. It's not so much about improving the decor as it is lightening my collective load. There's was stuff in my room Allston hippies wouldn't pick up for free off of Craigslist.

Last night Matt came over and helped me assemble the new furniture in the now empty room. I specifically invited him because I worked with him on the sets for the play, and I know how incredibly handy he is. The guy built a secret room in his apartment, for God's sake. It's together, looking good and I am incredibly excited. As I type, my boxed new garment rack was just wheeled in (yes, I am blogging at work) and things are really coming together. I have an incredibly small closet, and am tired of jamming all my good clothes in there and coming to work looking like, um, Ron Livingston with a drink problem.

Tonight I get my hands on the sister's photo printer, and I plan to hit CVS and buy a whackload of frames. I will take my favorite digital snaps, frame them and use them as the basis for the new room design. I'm not going to bother to paint, because I may move in September, but this is going to look cool regardless. The movie/band posters are history, my workspace looks amazing and there's almost enough room left to get to the bed without an Olympic long jump. I haven't created space with the new effort, but I've eliminated 6 years of crap. It feels good, and I'll post some photos when the task is complete.

Wednesday Weigh In #1: Soooo Weeeee, Bitches!

Alright you fat little bastards. This is it. All participants have until the end of today to send me their current weights for the first checkup of the official Pye In The Face Pork Ass Challenge. Here is how it will work:



- The Challenge will run from now until Wednesday July 5th - 11 Weeks.
- Every Wednesday, participants will email me their current weight and I will post it here on the blog for all to see/encourage/mock.
- Since we're all of varying sizes and sexes, a' la Celebrity Fit Club, we'll set a target weight for ourselves, based on realistic personal experience, and the measure of success will be whether we hit that target in the 11 weeks allotted.
- We need full disclosure for this to work properly, and we're all on the honor system. No telling porkie pies, mate!
- Prizes and awards are to be determined, but at the very least will include bragging rights and the ability to put on a swimsuit without crying and cutting yourself on the forearm with shards of beach beer bottle glass.

Now who the fuck is with me?! Let's drop some blubber, buddies! Here is the tale of the tape so far. If you want to get in on this, send me your info by the end of the day, and be prepared to go the distance:

- Monster >> Current: 270 - Target 255 - Lost - 0
- Smash >> Current: 139 - Target 129 - Lost - 0
- Pyeman >> Current: 230- Target 210 - Lost 0
- Greg >> Current: 205 - Target 170 - Lost 0
- DVS >> Current 252 - Target 210 - Lost 0
- Aubz >> Current: 135 - Target 125 - Lost 0
- Ka-Rista >> Current: 160 - Target 140 - Lost 0
- Venditti >> Current: 238 - Target 219 - Lost 0
- Sly >> Current: 218 - Target 205 - Lost 0
- LBN >> Current: 155 - Target 135 - Lost 0
- BDoyle >> Current: 190 - Target 173 - Lost 0
- AllMusicFan >> Current: 185 - Target 170 - Lost 0
- Brick02 >> Current: 154 - Target 144 - Lost 0
- Piglet >> Current: 151 - Target 135 - Lost 0
- Richard >> Current: 185 - Target 170 - Lost 0

I'll eventually get some sort of graph software to chart this out week to week, but for now - let's just get the numbers on the board. There is room for many more. Best of luck to us all - this will be quite the reverse-culinary adventure.

Dropping the Gobbler.

Before I go any further, and on a sorta related hippyish note - Neil. My beloved Neil. You're killing me. OK - I feel a little better now. Back to business.

I'm on a bit of a health kick at the moment, one I hope will last longer than a Tootsie Roll Pop, and I've purchased a whackload of Green Tea to sip at the office. A great guy who used to play for the Revolution once interned here for me, and he swore by it. I think I saw him drink 8 cups in one day, and I'm not exaggerating. I asked him if he was trying to ward off some sort of mystical Chinese dragon that maybe I couldn't see, and he said that "It is the best anti-oxidant you can get". I then wondered if he perhaps drank Crisco all day at home and this was his way of countering that bad habit. Regardless, he had a jawline like Marv and must have been doing something right.

Gosh knows, if anyone needs a little anti-oxidizing it's probably me. A winter's worth of beer, questionable red meat, french onion dip and Reverse the Curse has left me feeling like one giant arterial clog with shoes on. Other efforts include - walking to and from work (50 minutes a day roughly), oceans of water, salad, fruit and veggies followed by a health shake thingy for dinner. So it's a crash, boom pow system shocker for a couple of weeks, and then back to the gym every day once the metabolism is back up and the lion's share of the winter weight is gone.

Why do I write about this potentially embarassing stuff on my blog? First of all, I could use some opinions and advice. Smash said it best on her site a week or so ago while running down a very simple list: "3) If you do more and eat less, you'll probably lose weight." That's really all there is to it. However any words of wisdom for myself and others may be left in the comments. Second of all, when one makes obnoxious public declarations about their sveltness like anyone actually cares, people will hold you to them. "Glad to see you went right ahead and didn't get back into shape the way you said you were going to, male Sally Struthers". That always feels great.

The only way to get rid of this turkey gobbler, which is making me look extremely old and decrepit, is to get myself back down to fighting weight (210 lbs.) - and that's not going to be easy. So I'm putting my sloppy, poulty-esque neck out there on the chopping block and calling my shot - I will weigh 210 and look studly by Independence Day. Or I will shave my head. Who's in? Any other chubbies want to get in on this and set up a similar wager? And shaving pubes doesn't count, because I do that already. Let's fuckin' go, eh?

Monday's Quotelet: This Looks Vaguely Familiar.

The museum's free tours for Alzheimer patients made sense financially - because they could just keep wheeling them around in the lobby.

Please. Make It Stop. Hissing.

For the love of all that's holy. Please get me off this demented carousel that is Roach Brooch. Now even the Boston Globe is writing about Hissy and I. T'was good timing, because I just added a Carmen Electra category featuring pictures of the real deal which I took myself last week. The real deal being Hissy - not Carmen. I photoshopped the Hisster smack onto her right funbag. A good job, if I do say so myself.

I also built a related Cockroach Jewelry Squidoo lens, as I am prone to do about absolutely anything, and it actually has a great feature. The Technorati module pulls in RSS feeds of bloggers around the world talking about Roach Brooches. And there are a lot of them! Take a peek, courtesy of your favorite bug geek!

Since I'm already re-exposing myself as a tremendous toolshed today, why don't I mention some other recently created lenses that I'd like to see spidered? Fantastic then. You know, nothing gets me more excited than a sizeable collection of diabetes supplies. Except maybe for pre-paid calling cards - how could I forget those? I also think it's a good idea to keep a healthy dose of Guelph, Ontario in your life at all times. And I can't say enough good things about mesothelioma, either.

Hissy Is In The Hizzy!

I saw the little girl I gave Hissy to Friday and you'll all be happy to know he's doing just fine. As she was leaving the restaurant I'd met her parents at for dinner, she turned to me, made little antennas on her head with her fingers and shouted "Hissy's in the hizzy!" I'm sure her Dad is to credit for that imparting. Across the street and down the road from simple 'cuteness', at any rate.

I saw them again Saturday morning, when they dropped by my apartment to give me a copy of the New York Post. As the munchkin was chasing Boss around, I noticed the front page:

"This really reinforces my theory that society is imploding," cracked Pete Donelan of Princeton, whose meal at a tony wine bar was interrupted by the sight of our live cockroach - Kafka - scurrying up its wearer's arm. Kafka is a fucking pussy, man. Hissy should have been the covergirl, and you bloody well know it. Hissy's jewels are tri-colored and this embarrassment of a Brooch has only two, for a start. Plus, Hissy owns his own home, has a human girlfriend and made out with Andy Dick at a party last weekend.

Thanks also to Allie from upstairs who sent me the photo and link. Can I please be snapped back into reality now? I've spent more time talking about friggin' roaches in the last two weeks than an entomologist. Let's wrap this saga up - because at this rate, they're going to start infesting the North End, looking for me. I am the Roach King. I can do anything.

Friday's Quizzlet: A Date For The Porn.

Appetizer: What movie soundtracks do you own?
If by own you mean 'find' online - I recently got Spamalot, and have always been partial to Blade Runner. Vangelis, not the orchestral version. Once, 10 years ago when I worked at David's Bistro in Acton, I put the BR soundtrack into the dining room stereo alongside Sinatra, Ella, etc. I was really into it at the time and thought it was amazing. I honestly believed the somber, space melodrama would go over like gangbusters on the suburban, rich Massachusetts crowd. After the third diner shoved a rusty nail through their hand, I skipped over to In the Wee Small Hours.

Soup: How much cash do you usually spend on a weekend?
Depends what I'm doing, who I'm with and where I am, I suppose. There are wedding weekends - which cost as much as most cars, and then there's couch weekends - where $4 will get you a pint of Ben & Jerry's and Meatballs 2. I forgot there was a space alien in Meatballs 2. How did Bill Murray not rush back to do this? (I am working from home today).

Salad: Have you ever seen an adult movie? Who is your favorite actor?
Can I plead the 5th on this one? There was an impressive stash of smut in my house growing up which I quickly located and pilfered. Probably explains a lot. When I was far too young to be enjoying it, I was a solid Amber Lynn fan. Recently, I saw Jim Norton do an interview with Belladonna which was hilarious - so I checked out some of her distinguished work. Breathtaking. Anyhew, porn stars are like legitimate celebrities now, and I shudder to think what future generations of warped youth are going to deem normal. "Sure I'll go to the Prom with you, but only if you pee on me during Stairway to Heaven".

Main Course: What is the most mischievous thing you remember doing as a child?
I've got to talk about "the move". At Manotick Public School, where I did kindergarden - grade 5, the true measure of a man was their ability to play King of the Mountain. The harsh Ottawa winters would produce mountains of snow, pushed to the sides of the school parking lot by plows. After a fresh downfall, there would be enormous walls of packed snow all over the place. When recess came, we'd all run out of the doors, through the lot and start climbing up the piles. You had to get up there early, or you'd get taken out before you got settled.

There were 3 bullies who usually had it in for me - the Hutt twins and Richie. They were all big farm kids who liked to prove their toughness against me at every opportunity - as I was a big kid too. So after we'd collectively finished off all of the smaller buggers, they'd set their sights on me. Now, when you got pushed off of the mountain, you'd fall a good distance and sometimes split your lip. So the stakes were high. I developed a "move" that no one was able to dodge or replicate - and I won every single lunchtime. When one of them would charge towards me, their arms extended, I would tuck my arms into my chest and begin to spin - but slowly neough that they couldn't really notice. When they hit me, arms fully extended, my momentum would spin them around 90 degrees and they'd be rife for a violent kick in the ass, and off the mountain. I call it 'snow cred' looking back.

Dessert: Have you seen your family tree? Does one exist?
I emailed my aunt just last week to get some info on my family - as I realized how little I knew. I don't even know my grandfather's first name, for example. He died when my father was 13. I found a site called Ancestry.com and decided to start a tree there - then send it to older members of my extended family to see what we come up with. I will keep you posted on my family tree, as I'm sure you're all waiting to hear that I'm the missing link.

JP's Sorta Surprise.

I wanted to have a surprise party for Janet, but she found out about it. So then I tried to have some surprise guests attend - and she found out about that too. Actually my father, who knew he was half of the surprise guest package, told her himself. He may be in some sort of a facility come this time next year, so make sure you take this opportunity to come say goodbye to him. The only surprise left at this stage, is that I won't be wearing any pants. But at least that's something. Damn it, it happened again.

I'm not really allowed to use her full name on my blog anymore, because work colleagues and potential MySpace boyfriends keep finding this site. Obviously, they're all either instantly a) Afraid they are working with someone who has far superior intellectual genes - or b) In danger of receiving a terrible, premeditated, bloody thrashing from the older sibling of their affections. Either way, it obviously makes perfect sense.

Please bring yourselves, your signifigant others, your pants etc. to the Fez on Saturday May 6th to help Janet celebrate her 30th birthday in boozy style. There will be food, music, Gord/Bonnie and abundant parking. Yes, I said Gord and Bonnie. And look, I hate it when invites say 'no gifts necessary' so I'm fully encouraging them. It's her 30th for flip's sake. Bring a present, you thrifty bastards. Check the Fez's site if you need some geo-targeting and call me, Damaris, Beatrice or Aaron with any questions.

If you don't know me, Janet, Damaris, Beatrice or Aaron - don't come. That would just be fucking creepy. If you're a friend and you'd like to attend, please email me and I will add you to the Evite formally.

My Universe Is Small. And That's Fine With Me.

I travel to Harvard Square about as often as I punch myself in the genetalia. Last night I made an exception to go have dinner with a friend, and was amazed that I was technically still in the same city I woke up in this morning. Boston proper is a very small city, compared to most of the other global urban death mazes, but it's peripheries stretch out forever. Cambridge is definitely a parallel galaxy as far as I'm concerned, but as interesting as it was to get out and stretch my horizons, I felt quite happy to be back in the North End come the witching hour.

Travel used to be my favorite thing. I had been all over the world and lived and worked in 3 different countries by 25, and went to 3 different high schools. I haven't had an inkling of wanderlust in the last 7 years and have only been off the continent once in all that time. My current universe extends between the Banknorth Garden and Copley, and I'm not even beginning to lament that.

Writing this, however, I see that I am indeed due for a trip. I spend loads of time travelling back and forth to Canada every year, but obviously that doesn't really count. So where should I go? I have lots of friends in England, Ireland and Scotland, a first cousin in Spain, and a gang of peeps in California. I think I have to go somewhere I'll have a contact this time around, because I'm about as close to finding a life partner as an earthworm. I think I'm leaning towards Spain. Suggestions?

Notes From The Sideshow.

I've spent the majority of my time over the last two months talking about thespianism (not a misspelling, unfortunately) and roaches. What else has been going on in my world, you ask? I'd be just pleased as punch to fill you in. For the love of God, turn away while you still can.

The 2006 wedding invitations are piling in. Both of them. Looks like I'll be hitting Stowe Vermont for Katy and Reynolds' in June, and then Toronto for Jason and Amy's in October. I'll also be at the bachelor party for Jason which will involve a lot of traveling all told, but will see the reunion of many Welland and Guelph favorites. I'm really looking forward to that weekend and have a liver on backorder at the Hospital for Sick Children.

Work related which I rarely discuss here - I have been charged with breathing some life into our company culture. This is something I have always been good at, but have really been slacking on for the last 2 years or so. I am going to do finally something with a domain I've had dormant for years, CompanyCultures.com, so I can write about what I learn. I'm reasonably sure it has to involve a lot more than ordering fleeces with our logo on it and buying rounds at Remingtons. I just realized while Googling that Remingtons is also the name of the big male strip joint in Toronto. So that statement is undoubtedly going to confuse some people.

We've rebooted our search engine marketing blog, and I love the new design. I have been hounding people here daily to contribute to it - and I hope to make it a useful group effort which will reflect well on the company. This is also ties into the whole culture effort, but so far it's been like pulling teeth. I've always loved to write, and I can't understand why so many people are afraid of it. Probably also explains why I took Algebra 2 three times.

Season 6 of the Trailer Park Boys starts this Sunday, and you can download episodes, usually a day after they air, here. You can expect quite a bit of commentary in the weeks to come, and I hope it's better than Season 5. My predictions for this year - Bubbles gets a chick, Steve French returns, Ray wins a fortune on the VLTs and Lahey gets drunk.

Speaking of TPB, Detroit Velvet Smooth and I went to see Spamalot on Friday. He was given two really good tickets for Christmas, and I thank him for taking me. The entrance to the Colonial Theater is right under the scaffolding that collapsed and killed 3 people last week. It was very eerie walking out, seeing all the flowers stuck through the chain link fence of the construction era, and then slowly looking up and remembering where you were. The play was fantastic - hilarious and extremely entertaining. Go now.

Home Is Where The Hiss Is.

"No promises - I'll bring her over, and if she likes it we can tell her it's hers". My friend's adorable little daughter has been on the market for her first pet, and after reading Hissy's exploits here last week mumsie had an idea. I initially figured she was just being polite, and trying to help me solve my cockroach dilemma. But then I remembered how smart the sprog in question is, and the idea of her actually digging a Madagascar Hisser as her first domestic house pet didn't seem quite so ridiculous. Couple that with the fact it comes with a nice chain, pin and itself is encrusted in enough jewels to make it look like someone tried to kill it with a Lite Brite - and I felt we may be on to something.



The muchkin loved what she saw, and Hissy now lives with a family here in downtown Boston: Roach relations are still quite good. She has found a lifelong (well, Hissy’s life anyway) friend. She’s a little upset that I am not letting her take him to school, bed, park, etc. But she’ll live. - Mom

Her Dad said I could post this photo, and I think you'll all agree that with the exception of the enormous insect visible in the terrarium, it's beyond adorable. I am happy at how things worked out, but I will miss my short-lived little hissing friend. I felt a poem was in order.

Oh dear Hissy,
We'll miss ye.
But please let's not fret,
You're a bug, I'm a man
That's as close as we'll get.

Should I miss you,
Want to kiss you.
And my life is a bore.
I'll go visit the munchkin,
Or just leave trash on my floor... for extended periods of time until 1300 of you move in and force me into a homeless shelter like that movie with the guy named 'Joe'. A final word from the newly adoptive family:

She is still yelling “MOMMY! Look at HISSY! HE TURNED UPSIDE DOWN!”And we say, “Yes, they do that.” Everybody at work is still thinking how odd it is that her first pet is a cockroach. Now, I am their friend from work who has a daughter whose first pet is a cockroach. Like everybody can have a friggin dog. - Dad

Monday's Quotelet: You Call This A Reacharound?

Glad to finally be at the Gay Croation Holiday Resort, Steve and Alan were a little disappointed by the advertised "Choke Your Seagull" seminar.

Friday's Quizzlet: Go Wok Yourselves.

Appetizer: Name a trait you share with your parents or your children.
I don't have any children, so I'll have to talk about Gordo and Bonnie. I share my father's penchant for food and drink, and my mother's sensitivity. Recently, my father's temper has been wheedling its way into my personality - so I just suppress it with more drink. Other traits from Dad: computer love, cartooning, emotional disassociation. More traits from Mom: animal love, awesome with children, inconvenient empathy.

Soup: List 3 qualities of a good leader, in your opinion.
The ability to listen, the ability to admit that you're wrong, and the ability to listen. Save all the "inspire" bollocks - learn from your mistakes, and don't treat your team like they're manning a deep-fryer. There's probably more than one person working under you who is way smarter.

Salad: Who is your favorite television chef?
My main man - Wok with Yan. He is a Chinese chef who had a TV show in Canada starting in the early 80s - and I believe he's still going strong up there today. He had a great gimmick - every day he would have a different Wok related saying on his apron. I don't know how they came up with so many. My favorite, from 1981, was "Raiders of the Lost Wok". For some reason, I'm afraid I'll never forget that. He was on in the afternoons right before Spiderman, so I rarely missed a peek at his apron.

Main Course: Share a story about a gift you received from someone.
My sister has this uncanny ability to buy clothes for me. She's even shown up at my place with shoes. The thing is, I would never even try on any of the stuff she gets for me were I alone in a store, but once she gives it to me I always love it. J - please never buy me any presents other than clothes. You have a gift for getting me gifts.

Dessert: How do you react under pressure?
My productivity skyrockets. When a client is angry, or I have something stressful going on in my personal life, I jump into action pretty frighteningly effectively. If I could harness this ability, and have it extend into the everyday - I'd be a millionaire by now. There's always hostage negotiator school.

Hiss Me You Fool!

Just to recap, I have had Roach Brooch acting as an affiliate site for Black Chandelier - where they sell the live cockroach brooches you've been seeing on TV and reading about. This means, if someone clicks through to their site from mine and buys a roach, I get credit for the sale thanks to a tracking system, and I get 10% of the roach bounty. Obviously, I ran several test orders after I set it all up to make sure that it worked.

The problem is, they sent one of these things to me by mistake. Actually, I'm not entirely sure it was a mistake because the guy emailed me yesterday and said he wanted me to have a mascot. Either way, when I got up Tuesday morning, there was a package waiting for me from Utah and I knew exactly what it had to be - A live Madagascar Hissing Cockroach.



Not wanting the thing to die, I ordered a terrarium online and it arrived yesterday at my office. I brought the Utah parcel into the office, set up the tank, called a few of my coworkers over to observe, and carefully introduced the ginormous beast to its new home. "Hissy" as I named him is currently chilling on my windowsill eating the heck out of a piece of banana from the Park Plaza Au Bon Pain.

I'm not one for bugs, but it's a pretty cool creature. In addition to it's size and girth (it doesn't look much like a traditional roach) it has the accoutrements that warranted it a place on America's Top Model and bring it's price tag up to $80 before shipping - it's encrusted in a pattern of multi-colored jewels, and also comes with a silver chain you can clip on to this belt it has which acts like a leash. You pin it to yourself, and the critter can roam around your shoulders and chest unchecked. Hence, it's a roach brooch.

I edited a bunch of photos of the adventure last night, which I am going to use on Roach Brooch, so I figured I'd upload them to my own galleries so my readers can see the full drama unfold. I'm still not sure what is to become of Hissy. I am in talks with a friend to give him to her daughter as a pet. Your first thought is - what would a 5 year old girl want with a cockroach? But then you have to remember the jewelry angle - it looks like a demented, post-apocalyptic My Little Pony. So stranger things have happened. Enjoy the photos, and remember - my ownership of Hissy was an accident. I swear I don't own any wizard hats or 20-sided dice.

The End Of An Ewa.

It is with a heavy heart that I must announce the untimely demise of Wednesday Wadio. I hope that the hiatus will be a temporary one, but the software I use to play the songs also makes them searchable in a big worldwide network. This wouldn't be a big deal if people who wanted to listen to songs I've featured actually came to the site to do so - but they don't have to. My bandwidth is simply sucked away to God knows where, the source completely anonymous.

Last month, songs from Wadio Pye were download over 20,000 times by various people around the world. They type "Gorillaz" into the search engine, for example, and 2.5 megabytes of my bandwidth are used to play the song for a 13 year old girl somewhere in Spain. Now that I think about it - that's kind of hot. But - no - it's still an enormous strain on my expensive bandwidth.

There's always another tool to use. If it hsn't been thought up, it will be soon. I may also resort to just posting MP3s on my server and giving interested parties and friends the password to get access to them. That way, as opposed to the current Radio.Blog system, which converts the MP3s into smaller Flash files, you'll be able to get proper MP3s of the songs for use on your own iPods. Perhaps that's the best course of action. I mean, who hasn't wished they could listen to Liquor and Whores while jogging? I'll make it happen, you lucky people.

Official Props From Squidoo.

I mentioned yesterday that my Sopranos lens had been featured and was getting mad traffic. This morning, Squidoo sent out an official "Lens of the Day" release, and I thought I would share. I added a couple of bulletpoints for comedic effect. See if you can sniff them out. Should be quite a challenge:

After a long hiatus, the critically acclaimed HBO series THE SOPRANOS is back. And the fans are going wild. Dave Pye's lens, Bada Bing: The Sopranos Central, puts any "official" site about the show to shame. This is where you can look up what's going down on Sunday nights:

Dave's no slouch when it comes to his other lenses, either. He's a top-notch lensmaster with a humorous tone and a great sense of the creativity and flexibility of a lens. Our community guru, Heath Row, did a recent Q&A with him. Here are some interesting comments and bits of advice from the profile (thanks, Dave!):

• "Build a few good lenses and then branch out a little bit at a time."
• "Get a pet roach (accidentally or otherwise) to ensure that you die alone."
• "Several of my older lenses already have Google PR, so I know Squidoo is getting noticed and indexed. The speed in which you can assemble a reasonable lens is definitely a perk, as is the instant audience you get from other lensmasters."
• "Die alone with a jar of Cheez Whiz in your hand beside a trunk of DVD porn."
• "I think there will be room for a lot of personal creativity from everyone..."

Read more about Dave and his lenses at SquidU, our center for better building and promoting of lenses.

Insert Pussy Eating Joke Here. Actually, Don't.

...We're better than that. My Sopranos site made lens of the day today on Squidoo. And here you thought I'd been suddenly and violently de-geeked, or something. I am enjoying the season so far, and invite you all to buy the DVDs and books from me so I can afford that kidney transplant. And by 'kidney transplat' - I of course mean Puerto Rican prostitute.

On an unrelated note, I'd like to thank Mean Art Green for pointing out an important anniversary this fine afternoon. It seems that on this day, in 1834, the eating of cats was finally outlawed - in this country, anyway. Dogs and cats are still snackworthy in many Asian countries:

The cats fair little better - arriving in cages, dozens of top of each other, and some dead, wondering in bewilderment what they have done to deserve this treatment. They are also hoisted by the neck with metal tongs from cage to cage - as they are "sorted" between different traders. For what it's worth, I've never seen them actually tortured to death - their dispatch is pretty fast, stunning and a slitting of the throat - the ritual of torture, seems to be more reserved for dogs historically.

I would imagine cats would be really stringy and tough - where a dog might be more like rabbit. The most frigged up thing I ever ate was a piece of whale meat. While I'm throwing that out there because I love to annoy bleeding hearts - however, it's true. Stop busting my chops about not liking seafood, and no more whales have to die. Cats and dogs I'd never try though. I wouldn't want to risk chipping my teeth on the tags.

Oh kittens, in our hours of ease,
Uncertain toys and full of fleas.
When pain and anguish hang o’er men,
We turn you into sausage then. - Olde English Rhyme

For The Love Of God - Save Hissy!

We've already approached the Roach Brooch topic, and I explained how I was going to work with the designer who actually makes them as an affiliate marketer, due to all the traffic I get for related terms. Last week I set up tracking, and actually sold a live cockroach brooch!

I also ran a few test orders to make sure the tracking pixels were working properly, as you do - and they went through. I emailed my contact there and told him to be sure to cancel them. So that's the last I really thought of it. Until I walked into the kitchen this morning and noticed a package for me from Utah. It can only mean one thing - I now own a live $80 hissing cockroach brooch.

I haven't opened the package yet. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with him. I have already named him "Hissy" (He is a Madagascar hissing cockroach), and I am thinking of sending an intern out to get a terrarium so he can become the office pet. He is encrusted with jewels afterall. They also include a clip that allows you to wear him on your shirt while he squirms around and stuff.

So what do I do with Hissy? Send him back (he will probably die if I do that). Put him on Craig's list and look for some tartantula obsessed Dungeons and Dragons geek to give him a new home? Start wearing him to Tiernans? Your suggestions are appreciated. Hissy needs a piece of banana and a moist cottonball STAT.

Sugarbushwhacked.

I wanted to get out of the city this past weekend, and get out of it I did - straight into the wilds of Vermont. My sister's friend Joe has a great house right at the top of a mountain, and Janet has somehow gotten herself an open invitation. I had an entire floor all to myself, and slept like the dead - when I wasn't hot-tubbing, dancing to reggae or drinking mimosas while watching Police Academy.

Other highlights included a late night Wu-Tang dance party, pool and pissheads at the Hideaway, a Burton 60% off shopping spree and a re-up to last week's sickness which has now seen my excrutiating earache jump over to the opposite side. Whatever VT wildlife was festering in that hottub is now alive and well in my cranium. But the vast majority of the weekend was a gasser, and I'm sure these things will die when they run out of food.

Here's the associated gallery - it's your standard, pose-in-a-bar-with-a-camera, fare. But there are some good shots of the scenery thrown in here and there. And no, I'm not talking about Yanna. I hope I get invited back, as it's really an amazing location and I don't think Joe will miss all of the Sex Wax I stole. Look, it was an honest mistake. And believe me - I'm paying for it right now. Maybe I should try nail polish remover next.

Monday's Quotelet: Royal Canadian Mounted Titties.

After a series of threatening phone calls from both Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, Pamela Anderson selected her next set of implants with security in mind.