Monday's Quotelet: Vicks Alpo Rub

As part of his court-ordered dog fighting restitution, Michael Vick was ordered to babysit "Sweetums" for the rest of the year.

Creative Outdoor Teenage Partying.

There's a Facebook group for my high school town, and someone added a "You Know You're From Concord When..." thread a while ago. Obviously, the group is predominantly much-younger people, but I was curious and added my own point to the thread. You know you're from Concord When: "Being told to meet your friends at 'Eden', 'Boonyards' or 'Mayflower' makes perfect sense to you."

Someone from the class of 2004 emailed me today and asked me to elaborate, so I did. This email is extended a couple paragraphs for the sake of the blog and reprinted with express written permission from... myself.

All three were nicknames we had for secluded outdoor places around Concord where we used to "par-tay". Eden was along the river and accessible from behind the strip mall just off Lowell road near the center where Stop n Shop used to be. I worked there for a summer until they found out I was Canadian and didn't have my greencard yet. It's still a grocery store but has a different name now. There was a narrow path that wound through the underbrush for a bit and came out on a nice public lawn on the riverside with a decent amount of tree cover overhead. You could also walk down to it from the bridge down Lowell road a bit.

Anyway, Eden was a huge cop magnet and we only used it as a last resort when nobody's parents were out of town. My friend got arrested one night, fully cuffed and stuffed, for peeing on the fire after the po-po told us to put it out. "I don't care how you do it, but put that fucking fire out!" Well, my pal got a night in the docks and an embarassing Concord Journal Police Log entry for his efforts. The worst part is, the Journal listed the charge as "indecent exposure", with his real name and age. That could have meant a million different things, and I'm sure his grandparents enjoyed reading it over Sunday breakfast while envisioning him running through a local preschool with his pants around his ankles.

Boonyards was a field that accessible by an overgrown dirt road just over the Bedford town line on Bedford Street that extended out from the Concord center rotary. Technically it's located on Hanscom airforce base which we learned the hard way one night when soldiers with M16s on jeeps showed up to break up our bonfire. I was off in the dark fiddling with a British exchange student and made an easy escape.

Mayflower was in West Concord technically, and you had to go through the back of Thoreau hills to get to it. I don't think the police ever found it during my CCHS career, but we accidentally rolled a full keg down into someone's backyard one enchanted evening. That attracted a lot of attention and I don't think I ever returned.

Glad I could impart some history on my wee descendants. Concord was a strange place in the early 90's era. When I got to college in 1992, it bored me to tears. I've had this conversation with dozens of my friends who had the same freshman year blues. We'd wonder why people in our dorm got so excited over a lame frat keg party, and the rest of the kids on our floor wouldn't believe our high school stories. The classes of 89 and 91 especially - we'd already fucking done it all. We kept Mr. Kryple and Ms. DiCicco on antacids - that's for sure. The outdoor spots were backups, and the tip of the iceberg. Good times.

Facebook Applications That Don't Lick Monkey Taint.

Facebook is an incredible website. The fact that it blew the frig up the same year I moved back to Canada was extremely serendipitous as I've mentioned before. I have gotten back in touch with kids I haven't seen since 1986, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Two months ago, Facebook opened their doors to 3rd party applications - most of which are enormously stupid wastes of time. Many of which try to accomplish the same thing, leaving you confused as to which version is the better one. I've kicked the tires on quite a few of them, and here are my favorites to date. Click the links to learn more or install them yourself.

Red Bull Roshambo: A well done take on the classic "Rock, Paper, Scissors" game. You can challenge your friends and even make imaginary wagers. The categories, strategy and stat features are in-depth and enjoyable. This was the first app I really dug and it gave me hope for the future - after I'd been bitten by fecking zombies and werewolves 800 times.

Scrabulous: I never played Scrabble as a kid, and there's been a learning curve (I have yet to beat anyone in 10 games) but this is a winner. You can play as many games as you like at once, which is a good thing as your opponent's turn around time from move to move may be a couple of days. Hugely strategic and never, ever the same game twice. Great stat keeping and super ajax-based controls.

MyTunes: I wasn't crazy about installing an application on my own computer in order to get this to work, but the results were worth it. If MyTunes is running in your taskbar, and you've installed the accompanying FaceBook app, anyone who looks at your profile can see what you're listening to via iTunes in real time. Look at my profile for an example - it's near the top of the right column under the news feed. As useful as tits on a bull, but for some reason I love it!

Flixster: A movie-based app that let's you write reviews, talk about upcoming films and display a list of your personal favorites, Flixster is well-organized and handles a lot of info without making your profile look too busy. Most of the user-submitted reviews are similar to the point of being unintentionally funny (Ya, so, I liked this movie. It had a great cast, great writing and was really funny) but a few of them stand out, and the social aspects make the app stand out a mile over some of the other movie plugins.

Dave Goes To The Dogs.

I love the Boss. If you know me, you know that. I have been stone cold cat crazy for the last 33 years. But that was by default - my father despises dogs and we were never allowed to have one. After a lot of careful consideration, I have decided to get my own dog. For the first time. It's a big step. I am a little nervous, but I have made the call and it's happening. Here are some of my reasons for this canine 180.

- All my friends who own dogs have told me that in order to train, raise and mold a dog with a good personality, you must be able to spend a lot of time with it. I work from home. Perfect.

- Many friends have been concerned because Boston Terriers are known for having health issues - particularly flatulence, heart ailments and breathing. I have discovered that purebred Terriers are usually devoid of the congenital defects, and the flatulence depends completely on diet and can be easily remedied.

- My mother won't stop reminding me that I have to walk the dog at least 3 times a day, like I'm retarded or something. I will welcome the new structure in my life - especially, again, because I work from home.

Those are the big points I have been mulling. I am very excited at the prospect of having a pet that doesn't sleep all day. I will be able to take it everywhere with me in the car. It will do tricks. It will protect my house. It will go for runs with me. I am thrilled.

I'd like to mention once more that I have given this a tremendous amount of thought and am definitely not entering into dog ownership lightly. To further hammer this point home, I'm happy to point out that I have found a professional breeder whom I trust and have forwarded all the emails we have exchanged (I ask a lot of questions) to two friends of mine who are very well versed on the subject of dogs (thank you Amy and Rachelle).

I've also seen photos of the parents - click here to meet the lovely Pixie Rose and Oscar - and am going to the breeder's next week to meet the humans involved and the mom and dad to be. My puppy will be born in late December and I'll be picking up little Shepherd Pye in February. Although he'll be no feline, I will continue the Pye pet naming convention.

And in case you're wondering, Boss is very alive, very well and I love him very much. He's got a good 5 years left in him and I plan to treat him like a little prince until he draws his last breath. It's just that... circumstances have led me to live in the woods - and it's doggie time.

Wow. Boss is gonna be so pissed come February.

I Knew You'd Come Walking Back Through My Door.

If you didn't already know, a new Indiana Jones movie is currently being filmed and is set to be released on Memorial Day 2008. This franchise is my favorite of all time, and the news was like an old friend coming back into my life. Which is probably why I have so few. Yes, yes - my nerdery is on full display today - but I'm not ashamed and I don't apologize. By all accounts this film is being taken very seriously by the original directors and cast, and I will be very surprised if Spielberg drops the idol. As I have maniacally scanned the interwebnets looking for Indy 4 Rumors and news, I collected them all in one place. If you're curious, have a read, and here are a few highpoints:

- Shia Lebouef plays Indy's son.
- There will be very little computer animation to keep the film visually congruent with the first three Indy films.
- I'm 99% certain the official title will be "Indiana Jones and the City of Gods".
- Marion (Karen Allen) returns and has a big role.
- Indy's sidekick is played by one of my favorite actors, Ray Winstone.
- Area 51 and alien artifacts play a big role in the plot, and the villainous Nazis are all but replaced by the more appropriate (the film is set in 1957) Russians.
- Cate Blanchett plays a Russian adversary.
- Sallah and Henry Jones are not returning.
- Filming has so far taken place in Hawaii (doubling for South America), Connecticut (Yale) and Nevada (Area 51).
- The story is rumored to come full circle with Raiders, even eventually involving the Lost Ark of the Covenant.
- I may never sleep with a woman again.

Several videos have been released from the set, one of which was a live feed for attendees of ComicCon this past month. Most of the principal actors join Spielberg in costume for a chat about the new film. This was also the first time it was officially announced that Marion Ravenwood would be making her return...



18 years after the Last Crusade the principals have finally managed to get their schedules in order, and a script they're all happy with. There were half a dozen rewrites and many arguments between Ford, Lucas and Spielberg along the way. I always paid attention to the movie geek rumor sites, and never thought they'd get it underway. That tells me that the pieces are in place for something special, and I'm going to stay excited and optimistic until I'm proven otherwise. If you'd have told me a couple of years ago that the Pixies were going to reunite, and there'd be a 4th Indy film, I think my head would have pulled a Belloq.

If Indiana Jones 4 proves as popular and as well made as Raiders, Temple of Doom and Last Crusade - we'll be witness to a very cool piece of movie history. I am sick to death of CGI and haven't wanted to go to the theater (with the possible exception of Die Hard 4) for many moons. Ford will be 66 years old by the time this is released, and very probably the star of the most profitable summer action movie of all time. Think about that for a second - It's simply fantastic.

Canadian Assimilation.

My friend Sean called me over the weekend and left a message to the tune of “Have you been eaten by feckin' bears?” I realized at that point that it was probably time to update anyone who cares. If not, jog on - no one has a potato gun to your head. This blog will return to it's regularly scheduled dead hooker jokes by the end of the summer.

Operation Bunkhouse is just a few days away from completion, and my place is wide open for visitors anytime in August/September. If you're a friend of mine, or a well-medicated stalker, you are officially invited to pick a weekend if that’s at all enticing. Come sleep in the silence, relax in the gazebo, soak up some sun, boat your brains out and eat a lot of corn. There is also a vicious rumor that the Pye family likes a drink or two after 5pm.

Life is good, with obvious exceptions. Here are some bullets as it’s been a while since I spoke to any of you at length and there’s a lot to mention...

- We sold Grandma’s house in July and walked out of it for the final time last Monday. There were no tears shed. I now live full time in Portland, Ontario.
- My reasons behind moving here were spun different ways for different people, but the end goal was to live here with my ailing Father and take some of the pressure off of my Mom. For example, she is on a much-needed vacation in Vancouver this week, as I watch the fort/Gordo. He’s a handful, and my social circle consists of loons and squirrels - but he’s my Dad. And that’s that.
- Gord is manageable if you distract him with things he likes to do/eat/watch/drink. “Give me my f**king car keys now!” “Oh look Dad, Fawlty Towers is on!” “It is?”
- As a result, I am picking up golf very quickly. I now understand people’s addiction to it. Gord is still an excellent player, and we’ll be doing a lot of it. My first lesson is in 9 hours.
- 2 sets of clubs fit very nicely in the back of the Charger. Golf is quite a workout and I currently feel like I’ve been dragged behind a truckful of Nazis for several miles.
- On a related note, I am completely unashamed at how happy I am that Karen Allen is going to be in Indy 4.
- While hardly Grifflet substitutes, my little cousins Jakob, Seth, Thomas, Christopher, Alexandra, Darius, Ben and Carter are enjoying having me around more than once a year. Thomas (19) went to a party with me in Toronto and had a great time with my friends. Darius (6) enjoys when I show up with bootleg Spiderman 3 DVDs.
- Janet was up last weekend and we got a TON done on the Bunkhouse and a ton drankended on the Pontoon boat (see galleries).
- I have connected from so many childhood friends via Facebook it is unreal. I recently had dinner at the home of a girl who was my best friend Freshman year of high school and when I walked in the door it was like no time had passed. Quite an amazing summer in terms of friendship rekindling. Best website ever.
- I have a great group of friends back in Toronto (2.5 hours away), mostly from University, who have made me feel very welcome back in the Great White North. When I start to get jumpy for human contact, I have plenty of places to stay back in civilization.
- I now have a boat license.
- According to Janet, who is a hard sell on this topic, my driving skills have returned. She may have been swayed when I deked a hugenormous deer going 80MPH in her new 5-speed Audi.
- TechTarget went public a month ago and I am very glad I bought all the shares I was entitled to when I left to become an international search marketing guru in 2003. Why am I telling all of you? Cause it’s a jetski, baby, and you may get to ride it one day.
- Speaking of watercraft, we have a 50HP pontoon boat with pimpin’ leather couches on it and an iPod-compatible stereo. I remarked to Janet, whilst cruising slowly through Lost Lake with a Rockstar in my lap and the Pixies blaring through the speakers - “This IS heaven on Earth”. Gord kinda likes it when I play Bolero. Bonnie likes it when I forget to bring the iPod.
- I made my first Portland friend Friday night at a bar called the Galley. I can sail there in about 15 minutes and tie up right in front. He’s a local drunk named Dana, and Janet says “keep looking”.
- I run every morning, and combined with the golf I feel amazing and am dropping weight like a Tijuana crack whore. I only drink when we have company and my Peter Pan on cheesecake days are officially over.
- I have decided to live here for the winter in order to save money, continue the health kick and by doing so lower the insurance charges on the house while my folks are in Florida.
- My friend Gooch (see bunkhouse gallery) is going to leave both his snowmobiles here and we’re taking a trip all the way to Montreal on them come winter.
- Gooch and I are building an ice fishing hut.
- I am talking to Boxer and Boston Terrier breeders. I love the Boss, but he sleeps all day and can’t go outside. I need another addition to the Lakehouse herd for my own winter sanity. Otherwise, I’ll be growing a beard, writing a manifesto and sending C4 through the mail to Al Sharpton before the first day of Spring.
- I am turning into an Ottawa-Valley-accented-hilljack-peameal-bacon-eating hick, and I love it.

I will be in Boston the weekend of September 22nd for a wedding. The wedding is in New Hampshire, but I’ll be extending my trip so I have time to visit my Boston peeps. I hope to see some of you then, and Griffin may have to give up her PS2 room for a night or two – which somehow I think she’ll be fine with . The thought of a genuine Harpoon IPA and some North End Pushcart pizza makes me beyond happy.

Turn Out The Lights.

The house that I sit inside as I write this long overdue post is the one and only geographical constant I've had in my life. My Grandmother bought it shortly before I was born in 1973, and I've been wandering these halls for 33 years straight. We sold it recently, and are out of here lock, stock and barrel on July 31st. It finally sank in today when I met the new owners and overheard some of their renovation plans - and I suppose I'm sad this evening. Finally.

The last 5 years or so, as my Grandmother's health and mind have deteriorated, the house has been more of a headache than anything anyone wants to be remotely nostalgic about. I watched the new owner's children run around in the backyard today, and get excited about the dark ravine I used to know like the back of my hand. I looked out the patio doors at the run down pool that we've spent hundreds of dollars keeping functional this summer and can almost see one of my parent's late night parties that used to take place this time of year - 20 years ago. I'm not going to get out of here at the end of this week without at least a little tug at the heartstrings.

There's my Grandfather helping me put together my Death Star during Christmas 1977. I can almost picture my beloved Planet of the Apes playhouse down where it stood in the basement. The obligatory driveway hand prints from 1987 are eroded but discernible. Last night I slept in the room I lived in for the summer of 1996 when I was at University and washing windows in the next town over.

The dining room table which used to be the epicenter of the house is now quiet, and will be moved to my new apartment come the fall. 10 minutes ago my father decided he didn't want the Grandfather clock and that'll go to me too. Janet's got dibs on the old kitchen table. Life will go on, obviously, but a more crystal-clear end to an era you'll never find - and I'll have a sniffle if I want to.

You Can't Teach An Old Crustacean New Tricks.

The mystery surrounding Amelia Earhart's disappearance has always fascinated me, and about 6 months ago I watched yet another British documentary on the subject. It was so detailed, and the team of investigators so thorough and technologically advanced, that I thought for sure we'd seen the last serious attempt to find out what happened to her over 70 years ago. But the same persistent team is back with a brand new strategy - pig bones.

"Kar Burns, one of two anthropologists on the team, hopes coconut crabs native to the island - some as big as 2½ feet across - will carry the pig bones to wherever human bones might have been taken by crabs. DNA from human bones could help solve the mystery."

So the hope is that these monstrous crabs, probably living much the same lives their ancestors did in the 1930's, will crawl sideways across said pig bones - I assumed fitted with some sort of tracking bug - and take them back to their lair. When the lair, den, pile or whatever it is is located by the anthropologists, it may also contain the remains of Amelia and her navigator. Definitely the coolest thing I read today.

On a side note, look at this (or any) photo of our girl. If Hilary Swank isn't asked to play her in the inevitable biopic, she might as well make another movie about a paraplegic female boxer. It's easy to get typecast in Hollywood.

Potato Gun 101.

Sundays have been known to drag up here at the lake, and it's important for me to keep my father as stimulated as possible. Over dinner Friday night at a pub in Portland, I asked him if he'd be interested in making a movie about his beloved potato gun. He smiled broadly and I knew I'd just have to start shopping it to the major studios.



Sunday morning we got a bag of spuds, a can of hairspray and headed down to the dock. Filming took about 10 minutes while editing took several hours. I'm getting up to speed with the software though, and I dare say this will probably be the first installment of a Gordo franchise. Even to those who don't know my Dad, this is probably going to be extremely funny. Enjoy.

Canada Day Debacle.

For the long awaited Canada Day 2007, which is like the... 160th anniversary of the day the loyalists grew a pair and declared a Dominion (horribly inaccurate summary), I did a number of very patriotic things. When you live alone in a house for two months, like one of the kids from Flowers in the Attic, having your only sibling and several of your best friends in the same house for a long weekend is a little exciting. Throw in a boat, fireworks, some liquor and the birth of a nation – and we’re talking 6-year-old at Christmas excited. Here are the highlights.

1. Worked on Operation Bunkhouse for exactly 1.5 hours in 4 days.

2. Got so pinted one night that I didn’t get out of bed for the entire next day – again, whilst all my friends whom I was longing to see were here.

3. Continued to aggressively not work on the bunkhouse.

4. Provided one friend with so many patriotic punches to the ribs that he eventually retaliated with a full cup of beer to the lap.

5. Emotionally scarred a 10 month old border collie.

6. Wrote and sang at least 17 new songs whilst liquored, including such nouveau favorites as “Who’s Gonna go to the Truck and get some RedBull?”, an acapella cover of “Jump Around” and the timeless “Who Wants to go to the Gazebo and Have Drinks?”. I believe Sully has extensive video of the wonderful additions to the modern musical canon, so stay tuned.

7. Paid an extortionate amount of money to have satellite internet installed which has gone down about 15 times so far. Lightning has a very negative effect on the weak signal, as do dragonflies farting near the dish I have to assume at this point. The best part is, I got to climb a 24 foot ladder and cut down all the branches on the tree for the guy who installed it. Maybe there’s a voucher in the mail.

My gallery is here, and Sully’s should be up in a few days at which time I’ll add another shameful link. Thanks for making the trip to everyone from Boston and Toronto – it meant a lot to me, and my parents had a great time in spite of me channeling the ghost of Brendan Behan for two evenings straight.

Call Me Vincent Vega, Eh?

Vincent: You know what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?
Jules: What?
Vincent: Mayonnaise.
Jules: Goddamn.
Vincent: I've seen 'em do it, man. They fucking drown 'em in that shit.

I've been in Canada for almost 7 weeks now, and I've been keeping a mental checklist of the "little differences" that I've noticed to date. Although I've spent a lot of time up here over the last 33 years, I haven't been fully immersed like this in over a decade. Here are some subtle little day-to-day observations I've been collecting.

1. Condiments: Vinegar and gravy are available absolutely everywhere. Swiss Chalet sauce is making a bigger impression on me than bathtub meth. You never have to ask for ketchup.

2. Traffic: Is awful. Toronto traffic is at the levels that LA is famous for. An enormous, sprawling city of highways and overpasses. You can traverse the 401 to the North, or the Gardiner Expressway to the South - but either way, unless it's between 2am and 3:30am, you're sitting bumper-to-bumper for hours.

3. Traffic Laws: You can turn right on a red light. Some States (Florida, etc.) allow this but it's a no-no in Massachusetts. I love it. I get back little snippets of time that make up for some of the traffic jams.

4. HBO Surprises: One of the first things I did when I got up here was figure out which of the cable channels was linked to HBO so I could be sure to see the last episodes of the Sopranos. The channel in question is called MMX, and their programming is quite unique. You have all your first run blockbusters during the day, but as soon as the clock strikes 11pm Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban is replaced promptly by Saving Ryan's Privates. I'm talking full-on, hardcore pornography on a channel that five minutes before might have been showing Entourage. It's simply fabulous.

5: Pizza: Canadians don't know what a cheese pizza is. I think ordering a plain pie must be some sort of taboo which is done in private clubs in North York. Bacon is a big seller. As is BBQ sauce, feta cheese, sun dried tomatoes, hamburger and my new favorite topping - green olives.

6: Tattoos: Everybody has one.

I'll keep adding to this list as I notice more of them. Feel free to chime in.

Urban Skittles.

Let me just preface this post by saying - at this day in age, if anyone did this to me, my friends or a member of my family I would chase them down and beat the fecking piss out of them on the street. Luckily, the show in question is filmed in Europe where people don't sue you for belching in the same elevator as them.

In addition to its citrusy-flavored, strangely tasty, candy brand association, Skittles is an old European sport, from which Ten-pin bowling, Duckpin bowling, and Candlepin bowling in the United States, and Five-pin bowling in Canada are descended. I don't usually copy and paste so blatantly from Wikipedia, but there was no way I was prepared to capitalize so many words in a sentence after 3 cans of Canadian.

Urban Skittles is the name given to one of the many urban sports invented by a character called 'Neg' from the worthwhile British comedy show, Balls of Steel. It involves running into a public place, usually a fast food restaurant, and screaming at the top of your lungs to "get down on the floor!" For every pedestrian who drops on their face, you get a point. I really don't want to laugh at this. My second favorite Neg scene is definitely Big Stranger Rodeo.



There are roughly 12 recurring characters of which Neg is just one. If you liked, or were repulsed, by the Urban Sportsman you'll also want to check out Bunny Boiler (a cute woman who blatantly hits on men while they are with their girlfriends), the Annoying Devil (a guy in a devil suit who spreads dog poo on crosswalk buttons), and Mr. Inappropriate (a dude in a suit who whacks off in variety stores, among other things).

Searching For Peter Grumme.

Once upon a time, if you wanted to find someone you'd lost touch with, you'd hire a private detective. In 2007, the first answer my friends and I came up with for this same task was: "Start a FaceBook Group!" That having been said, where the hell is Peter Grumme - a.k.a. Gummer?

Many people who visit this site won't have any clue, or give a sweet frickin' tweet, who Gummer is. Simply put, he's a diamond geezer whom a lot of people would like to get back in touch with. In the age of FaceBook, and it's fervent Canadian following, not being able to locate him is extremely frustrating.

I'm writing about this today because there are currently next to no hits in Google for Pete's name. If he, or someone he knows, performs a related query anytime soon they'll undoubtedly find this post, the FB group and then - salvation. Come home, little shaggy lamb.