Call Me Vincent Vega, Eh?

Vincent: You know what they put on French fries in Holland instead of ketchup?
Jules: What?
Vincent: Mayonnaise.
Jules: Goddamn.
Vincent: I've seen 'em do it, man. They fucking drown 'em in that shit.

I've been in Canada for almost 7 weeks now, and I've been keeping a mental checklist of the "little differences" that I've noticed to date. Although I've spent a lot of time up here over the last 33 years, I haven't been fully immersed like this in over a decade. Here are some subtle little day-to-day observations I've been collecting.

1. Condiments: Vinegar and gravy are available absolutely everywhere. Swiss Chalet sauce is making a bigger impression on me than bathtub meth. You never have to ask for ketchup.

2. Traffic: Is awful. Toronto traffic is at the levels that LA is famous for. An enormous, sprawling city of highways and overpasses. You can traverse the 401 to the North, or the Gardiner Expressway to the South - but either way, unless it's between 2am and 3:30am, you're sitting bumper-to-bumper for hours.

3. Traffic Laws: You can turn right on a red light. Some States (Florida, etc.) allow this but it's a no-no in Massachusetts. I love it. I get back little snippets of time that make up for some of the traffic jams.

4. HBO Surprises: One of the first things I did when I got up here was figure out which of the cable channels was linked to HBO so I could be sure to see the last episodes of the Sopranos. The channel in question is called MMX, and their programming is quite unique. You have all your first run blockbusters during the day, but as soon as the clock strikes 11pm Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban is replaced promptly by Saving Ryan's Privates. I'm talking full-on, hardcore pornography on a channel that five minutes before might have been showing Entourage. It's simply fabulous.

5: Pizza: Canadians don't know what a cheese pizza is. I think ordering a plain pie must be some sort of taboo which is done in private clubs in North York. Bacon is a big seller. As is BBQ sauce, feta cheese, sun dried tomatoes, hamburger and my new favorite topping - green olives.

6: Tattoos: Everybody has one.

I'll keep adding to this list as I notice more of them. Feel free to chime in.

Friday's Quizzlet: Make The Gas Face.

Appetizer: What are you proud of?
I am proud of my mother who beat a very serious illness last year. I hesitate to talk about it for fear I will somehow jinx her health, but it's the truth. She quietly and bravely dealt with the painful treatment for months, and it's all just a bad memory at this point. That situation was a big factor in my deciding to move back, and it remains inspirational.

Soup: What is the best thing you’ve ever won as a prize?
I'm sure you all remember the rap group 3rd Bass with great fanatical fondness. Their first album, which featured Gas Face, was called The Cactus Album. The Newbury Comics in Framingham had a contest - come to the store and enter your name to win a real cactus. A few weeks later, I got a call from some record company stoolie telling me I'd won. We drove back to the store and picked up the 4 foot tall cactus which was worth about $100. I had it for about 4 years until it died. At the time, I was quite psyched.

Salad: Name something you do that is a waste of time.
Anything that doesn't make money is technically a waste of time. Jeepers, take your pick. Watch TV and movies, sleep, eat, go outside. It really depends on your definition. For example, if you are a birthday party clown for hire, making balloon animals is definitely not a waste of time. Otherwise, you're going to make me a little uncomfortable.

Main Course: In what year of your life did you change the most?
I predict it will be this year, post move. Nothing has changed much in the last seven, which is part of the problem. Check in with me mid-May, quizzlet. And then there was the sex change.

Dessert: Where is a place you consider to be very tranquil?
The end of my parent's dock in Portland, Ontario. I expect I will spend a lot of time there over the next several months. I plan on getting my boat license and possibly buying a jetski. I am getting aroused just thinking about it all. Maybe I'll just rent a truck this afternoon.

Monday's Quotelet: Questionable Cricket Credibility.

Canadian Cricket fans rejoice during the match against England in St.Lucia yesterday. In other news, people in Canada like cricket and will fly to St. Lucia to watch it.