Enough With The Phones.

I have a huge block of conference calls today, and although they're an intregal part of my job - I never look forward to them. But I suppose coroners don't exactly look forward to the next tractor trailer vivisection that's flopped down on their slab, either. It's the job - suck it up or hit the breadline while you find your true calling.

My aversion isn't human interaction - or my occupation itself - but rather the telephone. I'm not a phoner. I don't call people to idly chat. I don't like it when people who aren't related to me call me for no good reason. If I'm not dating you, I shouldn't have to pretend to be interested in sustaining a polite phonecall. Jesus this makes me sound like a prick - but there has to be a few of you out there who share this aversion.

And the sprawling, three-minute voicemails about nothing drive me insane. I sometimes go several days without checking because I dread them so much. "Hey, haven't talked to you in about 47 minutes. Wanted to see what you were up to. Listen, uh, give me a call back when you get a chance, so we can continue to burn cell minutes talking about things I wouldn't cross the street to say to you." Or the gem I actually had to exit a restaurant and walk 2 blocks to get a signal in order to hear: "Hey, remember when I called earlier and said I'd meet you at that restaurant at 6? Well I'll still be there at 6."

I once thought it was unique to women, but have had to change my stance. I have male friends who are on their phones every free minute of the day. "Whatcha doin?" "Nothing." "What are you doing?" "Fuck off." It's tough love - you're not a 12 year old chick eager to talk about whatever episode of the OC just ended. Get off the phone unless a mutual friend has died. Preferably someone to which I owed money.