30 Tall Tales #4: A Funny Little Drinking Problem.

This is a fairly short story, and the humor will probably be lost on people who don't know us and weren't there to see it. But the folks involved still tell this story all the time - and it never ceases to send us careening into fits of laughter. I will try very hard to do it justice here, and make it palatable to the masses. That having been typed and just re-read, this is never going to work. Sigh.

It was a Saturday in 2001. Chris Cornett, John Henry, Dave Kingman and I had been drinking. Heavily. All day. They drove in to North Station in Boston and met me at a bar called The Fours which is right across from the Fleet Center. We convened around 4 p.m., ate, drank and were merry. If, by merry, you mean falling down obnoxiously, sickeningly and most dangerously drunk. Around 9 p.m. we left the safety of Canal Street and wandered back towards downtown.

Over the next five hours we hit a veritable bevvy of bars during our travels, and inexplicably wound up a mile away at the Black Rose. Everything was beginning to shut down, the band started packing up their stuff and it became obvious this would be our last stop of the evening. John ventured out and returned with 4 pints of God-knows-what and we settled in, if only for a few fleeting moments.



Chris, who made the rest of us look stone-cold-priest-sober, turned to me with a bent, unlit cigarette in his mouth and inquired "Hey hasshhh you gotsa light budday?" I shook my head and Chris swung around and headed towards two women who were standing nearby. His motor skills were fading fast, and I'd like to describe his gait as "shakey", but I'll settle for "picture what Quasimodo would look like if he was drunk and had just crapped himself." I looked over at John and Dave who were staring right at him with unmistakable "this is going to be good" smirks on their faces.

Chris addressed his quarry: "Hello ladiesshhh!" They looked a little taken aback, but saw the rest of us standing nearby and relaxed when they realized there were liquor-wranglers ready to step in. Chris motioned to the unlit cigarrette hanging from his mouth. One of the women asked if he needed a light, to which Chris replied with a violent nod of his head. The cigarette sufficiently fired up, he took a haul, blew it out right in their faces and proceeded to speak.

"I've got... problemssshhh." he began.

"Alcohol problems?" the woman replied, a sincere look of concern washing over her face.

"That's one of them!"