How Not To Get Picked For American Idol.

I got an excited instant message from my sister last night, commanding me to Tivo American Idol. I immediately remembered why - her and her roomate, Aaron, went down to Washington over the summer so he could audition for the show. Those tapings were edited together into the beyond amusing 2 hour episode which was broadcast on Fox last night.

Aaron is a member of the Boston-based acapella group, Ball in the House, and I've seen them perform 4 or 5 times. They're all really talented - especially Aaron. So when he was cut after surviving the first three eliminations we were all surprised. But after watching the show for the first time last night, it quickly became apparent why he wasn't chosen. It's less about talent, and more about your story, your appearence and how you'll compliment the overall dynamic of the final group that is chosen.

In addition, based on photographs I got from Fox's website last night, I've outlined a few more ways in which to increase your chances of getting chosen to go on to the final round:



First of all, don't tempt fate. If you tell Simon and Randy that you borrowed bus fare to get to Washington, haven't eaten in four days all the while smelling like fromunda cheese - they're probably not going to want to spend much additional time near you, regardless of your talent. Also, don't fashion kooky clothing in an attempt to better your odds: "Lady in the green t-shirt... I'm guessing... bust." Some of the contestants get really mad after they're dismissed and start hurling insults at Simon Cowell. There's nothing wrong with that - it's the reason most people watch the show. Listen up, guy on the upper right: if you want to get into a room with him in the first place, maybe don't resemble Bernard Goetz so much next time.



Speaking of resemblences, a lot of the contestants dressed to resemble their favorite pop stars. There were Britneys, Alishas, Beyonces - I think I even spotted a Stefani or two. But making yourself up to look like your very bestest chanteuse, and then dressing like them to boot, is not a good way to express your individuality or uniqueness. No, that's actually called 'Halloween'. Also, make sure that if you are going to attempt the impersonation strategy, your choice isn't the principal from the Smokin' In The Boys Room video.

Those were the major lessons I took away from last night's installment. A few other quick notes: tell the screeners that you do have a day pass from your respective mental institution - even if you don't. Be gay. If you have a lovely voice, put on a few pounds - say 400 - just to make it fair for everybody else. Wear your trailer park's commemorative t-shirt - I heard Paula Abdul grew up in one. And above all else - never, ever, bathe prior to your big day. Good luck to us all.